Writing

My 5-year-old, sitting at the computer, listening to music and writing the Great American Novel. He would type, then sit and stare at the screen for a couple of minutes (writer's block, obviously) and then would start typing again. Twenty minutes later he had a good 30 pages of what you see in the image here.

New Light Saber

This is the light saber I got for Christmas so when I duel with the 5-year-old I no longer get stuck using the plastic toy microphone stand. It's on now, 5-year-old!

Wrapping

One good thing about having kids is that I can totally let my wrapping skills slide. If anyone asks about a particularly sloppy wrap job, I can just say, "Oh, the kids wrapped that one" and people will not only buy it, but they'll think it's totally adorable, too.

Force Awakens

My kids are like the title of the new Star Wars movie ... they force awaken me every single morning. And yes, the force is strong with them. Every. Single. Morning.

Ode to Joy

You haven't lived until you've heard a bunch of 5th graders play "Ode to Joy" on kazoos. Magical.

Priorities

The 5-year-old just burst into the room and started enthusiastically yelling, "Dad! I'm about to build the most awesomest Lego ship ever and it's gonna have a million shooters on it and it's gonna shoot [pew pew noises] and explode the bad guys and everything [explosion noises with spit flying everywhere] and it's gonna be super cool and you'll see that it's gonna be the most awesomest ship you've ever seen when I'm done and when I fly it out here! But first I gotta poop." And then like that ... he was gone.

Uno

Playing Uno with the 5-year-old is fun ... he gets excited and cheers every time I play a Draw Four or a Draw Two against him. Apparently he thinks the name (and object) of the game is actually Uno Hundredo. Or something like that. I don't know Spanish.

Light Saber Battles

My epic light saber battle with the 5-year-old ended with him smacking me hard on the wrist, me blurting out a somewhat censored expletive and then him basically calling me a wimp by saying (remorseless I might add), "Don't worry dad, it'll grow back."

Sounds of Christmas

The sounds of Christmas in my house consists of the 10-year-old's beautifully off-key (and loud, of course, because there's no other way to do off-key) vocalizations of traditional Christmas songs and the 5-year-old accompanying her by playing the harmonica like he's hyperventilating into a paper bag. Also loud.

Toyless in the Tub

My 5-year-old was toyless in the tub last night when he called me in, not unlike a CEO summoning their assistant over an intercom. I walked in and asked him, "What's up?" He took a moment to assess his situation then, with the methodical seriousness of a surgeon asking for tools, he said, "I need ... a car ... and ... a duck." So I reached into the bag of tub toys, gave him what he was asking for and then turned to leave, but then he yelled, "Stop!" I slowly turned towards him. He paused dramatically and then said, " ... and the shark." Sh!t just got real.

Wanted

Walking to the bathroom and stumbled upon this. What the heck? And only 7¢?! I guess I'm not "that" wanted. Good thing it's an old picture 'cause I look totally different now without the goatee. Man, just a few days ago I was given the award for Best Dad Ever and now this. How quickly I've fallen from grace.

Award

My 5-year-old presented me with this trophy for being "The Best Dad Ever!" And I didn't even know I'd been nominated. Suck it, all you other dads!

By the way, I thought I heard mention that there'd also be a check ... which I have not yet received. Who do I talk to about that?

Art

Art by my 10-year-old entitled, "A Unicorn Does Its Business."

Names

As you all may have realized, I tend to comment a lot about my exceedingly crazy kids here on Facebook. Just today I had a shocking realization. The very definition of my daughter's name (Zoey) is "Full of Life" and a derivative of my son's name (Riley) could very well be "riled up." Good lord, we may have very well brought this craziness upon ourselves. Let us be a cautionary tale for all you out there about to name your future child.

The Reverse Jesus

Why is it that both my kids, without fail, wait until we're out of the house, in the car and pulling out of the driveway to start complaining incessantly about being thirsty? It's really too bad I can't pull a "reverse-Jesus" and turn all their whine into water.

Hot Cross Buns

You haven't lived until you've heard a stirring rendition of "Hot Cross Buns" being performed by a 10-year-old who has just started learning to play the clarinet. Simply sublime ... I wept.

Prodigy

So after an extremely brief (thankfully) stint learning the violin last year, my 10-year-old has switched over to the clarinet. That basically means we traded loud screeching sounds for loud honking ones. To be honest, I have yet to witness her playing and can't speak to her progress thus far, but my wife said the other night, while practicing, my daughter stopped and asked for earplugs ... for herself. So obviously she's a prodigy.

Haunted

I'm totally freaked out ... I seriously think my house may be haunted. I keep hearing strange voices calling out in the night, find our dining room chairs mysteriously moved to different parts of the house, see strange markings on the walls and — oh wait, no ... I forgot ... I have children.

I Don't Drink Coffee

I don't drink coffee so, after years of experimentation, I've found the best thing that helps me wake up in the morning is 3 additional hours of sleep.