EBS

I'm convinced that both my children are afflicted with EBS (Eyelid Blindness Syndrome). It's when you can't see another person's eyelids. I just made it up. How else can you explain the fact that every single morning they initiate loud, one-sided conversations with me while I am clearly still asleep? No gentle tap on the shoulder first, no "good morning, dad" ... they just launch into a barrage of jibber-jabber as if I was just laying there, staring at the wall, longing for someone to talk to. EBS ... the struggle is real.

The Record

Just overheard my wife and daughter talking in her room ...

WIFE: Thank you for cleaning your room up, I really appreciate it.
DAUGHTER: What's the record for keeping my room clean?
WIFE: (sarcastic) Probably like 5 minutes.
DAUGHTER: (non-sarcastic) Yay! I beat it!

"We broke up."

My 6-year-old is a big fan of peanuts in the shell (or "crust" as he inexplicably calls it), so when we went to Five Guys (a burger place that has free peanuts) for lunch yesterday and he said he didn't want any, I was surprised. When I asked him why, he simply said, "We broke up." I laughed and asked him what that meant and he reminded me of the time not long ago when, after he loudly proclaimed his love for the snack, I retorted with the classic grade-school response, "Then why don't you marry 'em?" After all this time, I had no idea he took me seriously.

King Sized Bed

Strange how a king-sized bed is plenty big enough for two adults yet the mere addition of a flopping-like-fish, cover-stealing, arm-to-the-forehead, foot-to-the-groin, sideways laying/H-making 6-year-old and its suddenly like being crammed into a twin-size.

Get Out of Bed

Just overheard my wife talking to my daughter, who needs to get up for a gymnastics class, but is sleeping in ...

WIFE: Zoey, get out of bed or I'll sick your brother on you.

BROTHER: (evil laugh) YEAH!

This will not end well.

The F-Word

The 6-year-old is beyond obsessed with getting a pet fish and has been asking us, non-stop, for over two weeks for one. It's gotten to the point where we've actually forbidden him from even saying the word "fish" to us. This hasn't stopped him from talking about it though. Now he's started using the term "f-word" instead. This could pose a problem if he starts begging us for the "f-word" in public.

Update: I just told him he could get a goldfish cracker instead and we'll see if he can take care of that for a week first. He was not amused.

Unable to Connect

So I try to covertly get my 11-year-old off the computer by secretly turning off my internet router (which is in another part of the house) and then I come back to see her still on the computer, but now playing Google's "Unable to Connect to the Internet" endless running T-Rex game. Blast you, Google! How dare you make me actually parent my child!

Just Me?

Does anyone else go to their phone to just check the weather, but instead go to Facebook for 20 minutes, watch several funny videos on YouTube, download 2 songs on iTunes, order something from Amazon, play several levels of Angry Birds, check how the Brewers are doing in the standings and then binge watch 3 episodes of a show on Netflix. Or is it just me?

Happy 4th of July!

It's kinda weird that when most people (including myself) refer to this holiday they say "Happy 4th of July" instead of "Happy Independence Day". It'd be like saying "Merry 25th of December" or "Happy 31st of October". Amiright?

Goodnight Shirt

My 6-year-old just asked me to help him find his "goodnight shirt." It took me a minute to figure out he meant his pajama top.

Important Safety Tip

Driving in the car with my 6-year-old and he suddenly breaks the silence with, "Hippos attack people so please don't mess with them or they will eat you and you'll be dead."

Important Question

On the way to bed last night, i passed my daughter's room and from the darkness I hear her, in her sweet little voice, ask, "Dad? What's a head lock?"

Help Getting Up

I overheard the 6-year-old wake up his mom this morning to ask her to help him with his cereal. When she asked him to give her a moment because she needed a little time to wake up, he replied, with all the sincerity in the world, "Will little kisses help?" This kid, I tell yah.

The Little Things

The 6-year-old fell asleep on his mom's lap by the fire pit last night. I picked him up to take him to bed and, on the way, with his eyes still closed he says, "Will you lay with me 'til I fall back to sleep?" I told him, "Of course I will," and he replied, "You're such a nice dad." Aw, heart melted. I try, kiddo. I try.