Life is Funny ...: January 2015

And Now For My 2nd Blog ... Watch Me Pull a Rabbit Out of My Hat!

I'm cheating with this second blog post. I admit it. Only 2 posts in and I'm doing what would be called in the sitcom world as a "clip show".

What follows isn't something I expect everyone (or anyone) to read in full because it's reeaaaaalllly long. I mean, I'm shocked that Blogger is even allowing me to include it all in one post, it's so long. I considered breaking it up, having like a weekly "Flashback" feature or something like that, but then decided ... nah.

What follows are all, yes ALL, of my previous kid-related posts from Facebook, starting from the most recent (which was just a few days ago) and dating all the way back to January 9, 2009, when my daughter was just 4 and my son hadn't even been born yet. I wanted to include them here for 2 reasons. #1: In case Facebook eventually goes away, I wanted to make sure I had some sort of additional online archive of them. #2: For anyone who's not familiar with my kid-related Facebook posts, you can get a good sample of them right here. These are the status updates that I would get the most positive responses on and that the aforementioned (in yesterday's post) 7-8 people would most often reference when they said I should start a blog.

So that all said, here we go, kids ...

12-27-14

Went to Party City today to pick up some noisemakers for New Year's Eve. Then realized, wait — I've already got 2.

12-26-14

I constantly get requests from my 2 kids to play with their toys with them. I'm not sure why because when I do I usually frustrate them by making their toys do goofy things and talk in goofy voices (mostly for my own amusement). While playing with the 4-year-old with his new Transformer Rescuebot toys today he finally had enough and screamed, "DAD STOP FARTING AROUND!!!" I don't recall ever using that phrase around him. I suspect one or both of the Grandpas (Grandpi?) may be to blame for that one.

12-25-14

I think Christmas was a success! Both the 9-year-old and the 4-year-old yelled "BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!" at the top of the lungs multiple times this morning. Granted, the 4-year-old is going through a phase where he copies everything his sister says and I'm pretty sure he doesn't remember any of his previous Christmases, but hey — I'm still counting it!

12-24-14

Time to settle in for a "long winter's nap" ... that is until my kids come screaming into the room at the butt crack of dawn and jump on my belly and knee me in the groin. Merry Christmas Eve Facebook family and friends!

10-3-14

As much as my kids drive me crazy (I believe whole-heartedly that they've been fully licensed to do so by some evil organization somewhere), they do occasionally offer, in trade, moments of unexpected (often unintended) and much appreciated humor. For example, the other day I woke up with a headache. No, that's not the funny part. On the way to the car to leave for work/school, both my kids were yelling at each other directly in front of me (as they, being the siblings that they are, are known to do sometimes). Gritting my teeth, I suddenly looked down at the banana in my hand and, in an act of sheer desperation, I found myself making a phone ringing noise and raising up my finger to them — you know, the international gesture for "Shut up, I'm on the phone!" And they ACTUALLY DID! Realizing that I had struck gold (of the "silence" variety), I proceeded to follow through with my ruse by raising the banana to my ear and begin a brief conversation (though probably not brief enough for someone who's talking into a banana in their driveway), "Uh-huh ... okay, yeah ... uh-huh ... no ... I don't know ... uh-uh ... okay, sure ... yeah ..." while they stood there, quietly staring at me, the WHOLE TIME. Quickly realizing the gambit couldn't last much longer (and that I was in my driveway talking into a banana) I wrapped up my imaginary conversation, "Okay, yeah ... that sounds good ... okay ... bye." My 9-year-old, with complete seriousness and an ever so slight scowl on her face, then looked at me and said, "So who was that?"

9-27-14

Just got back from seeing The Box Trolls. I asked my 4-year-old if he liked it and he said, "Yeah! Some parts were scary. Some parts were boring. Some parts were awesome. Some parts were dumb." Clearly the boy has a future as a film critic.

9-20-14

Currently one of my favorite hobbies is to work popular movie quotes into my 4-year-old's vocabulary and then have him use them on his unsuspecting mother at random times. Today I told him to run into the room she was in and yell at her, "You can't handle the truth!" And he did it. Good times.

9-13-14

This morning my wife made mini-pancakes for breakfast and I stealthily added some chocolate chips to mine, hoping the kids wouldn't notice. Of course they did and immediately started demanding some in their own pancakes. Thinking fast, I told them they weren't chocolate chips ... but were, in fact, brownberries ... to which they scrunched up their faces and walked away. Suckers.

9-6-14

I just spent the better half of the afternoon trying to convince both the 9-year-old and 4-year-old that there's such thing as the Dog Poop Fairy and that they should go into the back yard and collect all the dog poop into a special, Dog Poop Fairy approved bucket and then leave it out for the Dog Poop Fairy overnight and she would come and collect it and leave them money in it's place. They didn't buy it. Can't blame a guy for trying though.

9-6-14

A lot of things I overhear in my house seem to raise more questions than they answer. For example, this morning I heard my daughter angrily yell, "Arrrggh! I can't concentrate with all the loud farts!" Yes, that's a pretty good example.

9-6-14

So the other day I was in my closet, rummaging through a box of old toys of mine that I had kept from childhood and my 4-year-old wandered in. Just at that moment I found a small Star Wars spaceship and his face lit up at the sight of it so I asked him if he'd like to have it. He of course said yes and ran excitedly out of the room with it, whooshing and pew-pewing as he went. Moments later, the 9-year-old came in (word traveled fast) and she walked up to me and asked, "Do you have any toys in there from the olden days for me?" Olden days. This just in everyone ... the '80s have now officially been declared "The Olden Days." Sorry.

8-31-14

Is it wrong if I tell the 4-year-old that if he needs to fart he should go stand by his mom because she likes it?

8-23-14

Special thanks to my 4-year-old for the smile and chuckle he unknowingly gave me today after I witnessed him in his room, alone, putting together his wooden toy train tracks and actually belting out the song "I've Been Working on the Railroad" while doing it.

8-19-14

My kids are already expert physicists. Every single morning they practice Newton's first law of motion whereas an object at rest (me in bed) stays at rest until acted upon by an outside force (them jumping on my belly and kneeing me in the groin). The result of this law is quite often slightly altered though when said object grumpily tells said outside forces to leave him alone and go play in their rooms with other objects at rest (their toys). It's all very scientific.

8-16-14

Okay so my kids have both barged in on me in the bathroom so many times now that I've actually become conditioned to automatically turn the lock on the bathroom door as soon as I close it. I don't even realize I'm doing it any more. I do it even if I'm home alone. It's gotten to the point now where I've actually been finding myself doing it (still without realizing it) with any door I close at home. That said, I don't think the kids can rightfully get mad at me when I accidentally (I swear) lock the back door on them when they're in the backyard. Multiple times already. Accidentally. Honest.

Man, do they hate that. I mean, like, reeeeeaaaally hate it.

8-7-14

My son ... a ninja in the ancient art of nose-mining.

8-7-14

Quite often I will find myself reading a book to my 4-year-old at bedtime and it'll be one his mom has previously read to him and in the middle he'll excitedly shout out the ending. Whenever this happens, I slam the book shut, throw it down and yell, "HELLOOOOO?! SPOILER ALERT?! COME ON, MAN!" and then stomp angrily out of the room. 'Cause like ... the kid's gotta learn, right?

8-3-14

Silly kids think they can find me just by shouting out my name. Ha! I'm not falling for that trick again.

8-3-14

So my daughter turned 9-years-old recently and her doctor advised us that it might be a good idea to slowly start talking about the "birds and the bees" with her. Already?! Seriously?! Thankfully, my wife has graciously decided to spearhead the whole thing and she's been doing so over the course of the last week or so, utilizing some kid-friendly books on the subject. What this means for me, though, is that every single night when I get home from work, my daughter now feels the need to enthusiastically share with me all the new things she's learning while I awkwardly stand there and listen (fighting back a horrified expression on my face) and punctuating every tidbit with "but not for a long, long, long time from now, riiiiiiight?!"

8-1-14

Upon seeing a picture of the Death Star … "That's Darth Vader's house." — The 4-year-old.

8-1-14

My 9-year-old handed me a piece of dry, untoasted (and yes, gluten-free) bread as I was walking out the door to go to work this morning, insisting that I needed to eat something for breakfast. What, no water to go with it, warden?

7-27-14

Back in the day I used to be able to look at the Box Office Top 10 from week to week and could easily say I've seen at least 9 out 10 of the movies on it. This morning I looked at it and can only say that I've seen just one ... and it's freaking "Planes: Fire and Rescue." And THAT, my friends, is parenthood.

7-27-14

So we heard the 9-year-old giggling in our bedroom and she eventually came out, still giggling, parading up to us with one of my wife's bras over the top of her shirt. With a smirk, my wife asked her why she was laughing. My daughter's response? "Boobs." Hard to argue with that logic.

7-26-14

4-YEAR-OLD: (wandering into the room) Hey, Dad.

 ME: Hey, Big Guy, what's up? 

4-YEAR-OLD: Good. 
ME: No, I asked you "what's up" ... not "how are you?" 

4-YEAR-OLD: (leaving the room) Good.

And then I said a few other things to myself, apparently.

7-24-14

I love that every night when I get home from work the 4-year-old dutifully feels the need to fill me in on the highlights of the day. He's like my own little personal spy. Apparently today's excitement involved his mom having an "oopsident when she was making dinner and the fire on the stove melted a lid and then she said a word that means poop."

7-12-14

Overheard this morning ...

THE 4-YEAR-OLD: (excitedly) I flushed the toilet with my foot! THAT. WAS. AWESOME!

The boy is clearly destined for great things.

6-22-14

Why is it always that when one of my kids' birthday parties ends I'm always left wandering around looking for the gift shop so I can buy one of those "I survived another one my kid's birthday parties" shirts?

6-14-14

I decided to test the 8-year-old this morning and asked her what day it was tomorrow. "Sunday," she said bluntly (as if to follow it up with a "duh, dad"). "Hmm ... well, yeah, but it's also a holiday ... something special." She thought about it for a second and replied, "Flag day?" Yup ... Happy Flag Day, everyone — especially to all you FATHERS out there!

5-24-14

I finally (very reluctantly) decided to allow my kids to watch the Star Wars prequel trilogy recently. Like most self-respecting nerds, I'm not much of a fan of them. Two movies in and my experience so far? Let me just say that it's painful enough watching them without a 3-year-old continuously alternating between asking, "Are these good guys or bad guys?" and "Where's Darth Vader?" every 5 minutes. That said, I have to admit that him excitedly yelling, "Hey! I know that guy!" every single time Yoda appears has helped lighten my mood.

5-23-14

3-year-old logic: One sock has Spider-man on it, the other has a spider on it, therefore they match. Works for me.

5-20-14

Last night while folding the laundry I came across no less than 4 Batman capes. Now I know how Alfred Pennyworth feels. And no, they weren't mine ... those are at the dry cleaners.

5-19-14

I overheard my kids playing together the other day ...

8-YEAR-OLD: We need some wood so we can make some Powerpuff Girls to play with.

 3-YEAR-OLD: (dutifully) Well ... we need some sugar and we need some spice.

 8-YEAR-OLD: (scoffs) No, Riley, not real Powerpuff Girls ... we don't have any Chemical X. 3-YEAR-OLD: Oh.

I can only imagine what these 2 would come up with if they actually did have "Chemical X."

5-19-14

I recently introduced Star Wars to my 3-year-old. For some reason, every night for the last week or so when I say goodnight to him he informs me, "Darth Vader makes bad choices." "Oh yeah?" I always respond. "Yeah," he says and then rolls over. Every night.

5-17-14

My 3-year-old excitedly woke me up at 6:30 AM this morning, which is ironically the exact time my alarm clock is set for during the week, to tell me I don't have to go to work today. "Thanks," I grumbled, without opening my eyes. Ten minutes later the oh so soothing sounds of our security system started blaring because someone (my wife?) forgot to turn it off before opening the back door. Ten minutes after that, our moose of a dog somehow breached the gate that would normally prevent him from bursting into the master bedroom, catapulting himself onto the bed and rambunctiously trampling me for 20 fun-filled seconds before I was finally able to chase him out. I now lie sleepless in bed, refusing to get up and acknowledge that maybe the universe is actually trying to tell me something and anxiously awaiting what the 8-year-old (now being the last one in the house to weigh in) may have planned for me.

5-16-14

It was bedtime for the 3-year-old and I asked him what book he'd like me to read to him. He didn't pick one so I said, "How 'bout Green Eggs and Ham?" To this suggestion (I kid you not) he immediately responded, "No, I don't like Green Eggs and Ham." Of course I couldn't resist but follow it up with, "Sam you am?" He just looked at me like I was an idiot and answered, "No, I'm Riley." Because of this, I resisted the urge to continue my line of questioning by asking him if he'd be willing to hear me read it in a box or with a fox or on a train or in the rain.

5-9-14

Sometimes my kids make me feel like Richard Pryor's character in The Toy. Seriously. Hollywood if you're thinking of remaking that movie (and you know you are), feel free to contact me and my kids to serve as consultants on it.

5-9-14

Ahhh ... the relaxing sounds of morning ... the birds chirping outside ... a dog barking far off in the distance ... my 3-year-old yelling, "MOM! WIPE MY BUTT!" from the bathroom.

5-3-14

Does waiting in line by myself at the comic book store to buy my daughter a My Little Pony comic book make me a good dad? Why yes. Yes it does.

5-3-14

Just overheard ...

8-YEAR-OLD: This looks perfect! 

3-YEAR-OLD: This looks dangerous.

Now wondering which one is more accurate.

5-3-14

6 AM Saturday morning. I swear our kids' toys must be deaf 'cause all they seem to do is yell at each other when my kids are playing with them. "LEONARDOOOO! SAVE ME!!! HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!? I'M TRYING TO DO MY NINJA STUFF ON THE BADGUY!!!!" Wait, aren't ninjas were supposed to be silent?! Sheesh, why can't they pretend they're on an adventure in a library for once?!

5-1-14

Well, if there's anything I can say about my children it's that they're definitely not paste-eaters. Boogers maybe, but never paste.

4-28-14

An open letter of apology to my 3-year-old son who is not on Facebook and can't read: I'm sorry that the rest of the family started giggling at you recently after you abruptly interrupted yourself (while excitedly telling us about how thrilled you were about your new toy) by announcing, "OH, I GOTTA POOP!" and then how we laughed even more after you frustratingly yelled, "IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!" as you were hurriedly scampering off to the bathroom. But seriously, it kinda was.

4-25-14

There is nothing better than sleeping in, laying peacefully on my back in bed, enjoying the silence and then the 3-year-old wanders quietly in and uses my chest hair to help pull himself up onto the bed. And yes, I know there's much worse places he could grab.

4-18-14

My 3-year-old's latest obsession (which I may or may not have had a hand in propagating) is the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. For Easter I decided to go to Target to get him two of the action figures and I wound up coming back home with all 4 because they're brothers and it felt really wrong leaving the other 2 behind. On a related note, I think I may have a legitimate case against Pixar as those Toy Story movies have obviously left me psychologically impaired in my perception of the supposed feelings of inanimate objects.

4-13-14

Being a parent is rough, I'm not gonna lie. And I say this knowing full well that it's been my wife, to be completely fair and honest about it, who has thus far, as a stay at home mom (i.e. insane), been subjected to the brunt of it ... though at the same time this whole thing was her idea in the first place, but I digress. I remember an old PSA that had the slogan, "Being a parent is the toughest job you'll ever love." Well, so far I definitely get the "toughest job" part, but I'm still waiting for the "you'll ever love" part to kick in, though I'm not really holding my breath for anything soon. I guess down deep I'm hoping that it'll be after they've moved out, have become rich and famous and support me in the lavish lifestyle that I would like to become accustomed to. That all said, I do have to admit that there is a smattering of things that I do enjoy about being a parent and one of them is exposing my kids to the arts ... you know, the finer things in life. For example, just recently I regaled my two youngsters with the tragic tale of a hapless young man named Gilligan and his fellow seven, stranded castaways on a deserted island that bared his namesake. I can't deny that it brought a tear to my eye to see how enthralled they were with it. It's in these fleeting yet treasured moments that I find parental peace.

4-13-14

They were complaining about being bored so I told them if they go into the back yard and look really, really close at the grass, they'll be able to see it grow. They've been out there for 5 minutes already. Five gloriously wonderful minutes.

4-13-14

An open apology letter to all the girls in my 8-year-old daughter's class, whom my 3-year-old son insists on maniacally chasing around and kissing repeatedly. It's just the ol' Larson charm ... he really can't help himself. Not that it helps you now, but I promise to curb his tendency to do this well before he gets to the age where it will probably get him arrested.

4-4-14

Today, April 4th, 2014, was a very momentous day in my life. After making a joke in her presence, I received the very first (as far as I know anyway) eye-roll from my 8-year-old daughter. I think I can safely assume, based solely on my sense of humor, it will be the first of many, many, many more to come.

4-2-14

My 8-year-old is pretty reserved in public, but there are a couple of places where she has absolutely no problem with belting (and I mean BELTING) out the lyrics of one of her favorite tunes, say, for example, "Let it Go" from the movie Frozen. Seriously, what this kid severely lacks in pitch, she more than makes up for in sheer, tone-deaf infused volume. This one goes to 11, folks. Strangely enough, one of the places she feels particularly comfortable in doing so is in the car. One of my favorite things to do when she's doing this is to pull up to a stoplight where the car next to us is blasting their radio and wait to see who flinches first. While she may not have the bass they have, 9 times out of 10 you can bet it's them who are going to be rolling their windows up. Yes, my fellow motorist, I believe that you are the one (as the kids say these days) who Just. Got. Served.

3-22-14

It would seem that my 3-year-old is developing some sort of alternate language, somewhat based on what we call English. Tonight he looked at me with a very serious expression and asked, "Dad, why you always gotta get rid of your pokes every morning?" After only a few minutes, I was able to decipher it. My Rileyese must be getting better. I guess those Rosetta Stone CDs are finally paying off. (He meant shaving, by the way.)

3-20-14

The 3-year-old came bursting into my bedroom this morning as I was putting on my shirt and the following conversation took place:

3-YEAR-OLD: (pointing) Woah! What are those?! 
ME: Uh .. those are nipples. 

3-YEAR-OLD: What are nippers?!
 ME: Just a part of the body. Everyone's got nipples. You've got nipples.

 3-YEAR-OLD: (shocked, pulls up shirt) Huh ... look at that, I do!

I love teaching my kids things in the morning that then have the potential to embarrass my wife all day long.

3-16-14

My 8-year-old: Inventor of the snart.

3-13-14

As much grief as my children give me on a regular basis, they at least make up for it occasionally by offering up conversational gems like the following that I was able to overhear this morning while they were playing with their toys. Recorded here for posterity ...

8-YEAR-OLD: (speaking boldly for one of her toys) Do not fear, for I will protect you! It is my duty!

The 3-year-old starts giggling.

8-YEAR-OLD: No, Riley, I didn't mean poop.

The 3-year-old giggles even more.

8-YEAR-OLD: (frustrated) ARGH! I DIDN'T MEAN POOP!

3-7-14

My 8-year-old's current obsession is making jewelry via something called Rainbow Looms. She even got up early this morning to make me a pinky ring. I'm wearing it, but I have to admit that I'm a little concerned that people are now going to think I'm a mobster.

3-7-14

Parenting Tip #137: If your 3-year-old walks up to you with a big grin on his face and his hands behind his back and asks you, "Dad, you wanna get wet?" you should probably answer "no, thank you." Admittedly, this one's probably a no-brainer.

3-3-14

Last night the 3-year-old followed me into the garage and that means today he's walking around wearing a santa hat and carrying a trick or treat pumpkin filled with plastic Easter eggs. Must remember to do better at hiding the holiday decorations in the future.

3-2-14

Words of wisdom from the 3-year-old this morning: When it comes to putting on underwear, "the big picture always goes on your butt."

2-26-14

My 8-year-old has recently discovered both the music from Frozen as well as Siri's voice command abilities for requesting songs on the iPhone. Given this, I overheard the following conversation this morning:

8-YEAR-OLD (loud, high-pitched and fast ... basically the way she talks): Play "Let it Go"! 

SIRI: (after a moment) Okay. Now playing "Legs". 

8-YEAR-OLD: Argh! Play "In Summer"! 

SIRI: (after a moment) Okay. Playing "Summer in the City." 

8-YEAR-OLD: Arrrghh!!! Play "LET IT GO!!!"

 SIRI: (after a moment) Now playing a song from the album "Let it Bleed" by the Rolling Stones.

I'm starting to think that either Siri is just sick of playing songs from Frozen or she's trying to broaden my daughter's musical horizons. Either way, I'm getting a lot of personal enjoyment out of it.

2-25-14

Haha ... you see that nerd walking down Hollywood Boulevard this morning, dragging a huge red suitcase full of Girl Scout cookies to work, looking like a confused tourist who got lost looking for his hotel? Yeah ... that was me.

2-24-14

So when I woke up this morning, the 8-year-old (after first pleasantly saying 'Good Morning, Daddy!') immediately started busting my chops about leaving my dirty socks on the floor. I had no problem with this, of course, as it clearly falls within "practice what you preach" territory. She picked them up to show me as I was walking by to the bathroom to take a shower and I asked her to please throw them in the hamper for me. When I finally got out if the shower, I quickly noticed that she obviously decided that they could serve a higher purpose as tie backs for the normally always closed curtains on the bedroom floor length window. And it's little surprises like this that are the very reason why I never leave the bathroom unless I am completely clothed.

2-23-14

My 3-year-old has really taken to the old "I love you to the moon and back" expression when expressing his love, except lately he's been putting his own spin on it, replacing "moon" with other seemingly random objects. For example, just the other day, with great enthusiasm he told me he loves me "to the dump truck and back!" I'm not exactly sure how that measures, but I'm gonna take it as a good thing. Recently he said he loves me to "Lightning McQueen and back!" He seems to switch it up every time. Just this morning, though, he reverted back to the original but added a perplexing addendum to it by saying, "Daddy, I love you to the moon and back and that's too far." I think I'm gonna need some sort of a ruling on that one.

2-22-14

So this morning I'm laying in bed, and I hear my wife come in and she goes into the master bathroom to take a bath. After she's in, I then hear the 3-year-old wander into the room then into the bathroom by her. I hear him ask my wife, "You taking a bath, Mommy?" and she answers, "Yep." After a moment of silence I then hear my son say, "Beep. Beep." My wife immediately says, "Noooo ... No beeping 'mommy's milks'." Of course, I couldn't help but start laughing and my wife then says, in somewhat louder tone, "And no Facebook posts!" — which is weird because our 3-year-old doesn't even have a Facebook account and, even if he did, he doesn't know how to type or even spell yet. How the heck would he — oh ... wait ...

2-21-14

For me, one of life's simplest of pleasures is hearing my kids giggle uncontrollably at slapstick in movies or TV. I honestly could listen to it all day long. It makes me think that maybe they really are my kids after all. Hey, they were both emergency C-sections and I didn't get to physically witness either of their births first hand so who knows for sure, right? I mean, how do I know that in all the craziness that the hospital didn't accidentally mix up our actual, quieter, less mental kids with the ones that we've got now? You know? I'm just sayin'. Okay, I now realize that I probably should have stopped typing after the second sentence.

2-21-14

While watching a family movie tonight, my impassioned 8-year-old suddenly got up from the couch and declared that "if I was in the movie, I'd punch that badguy in the face and knock his head off!" Not to be outdone, the 3-year-old immediately followed it up with "if I were in the movie, when I grow up I'd be Spider-man and Spider-man web his face!" My kids: striking fear in the hearts of movie badguys everywhere.

2-21-14

My wife just told me she let the 3-year-old dress himself only to learn, later in the day, that he had put on two pairs of underwear. When she informed him that he had on 2 pairs of underwear, he looked down confusedly and said, "I do?!" This one's clearly destined for the gifted program.

2-21-14

My 3-year-old has informed me that when he grows up he wants to be a firetruck. I wonder what kind of schooling is involved in that kind of career.

2-9-14

Now, I fully realize that there are some kid stories that I probably shouldn't share, but then sometimes I just can't help myself. I'm thinking that this may be one of those. Oh well. I believe I've mentioned several times in the past how, since joining the ranks of the newly potty-trained, my 3-year-old has often insisted on joining me in the bathroom whenever I need to pee. That said, he's witnessed the ... um ... event (for lack of a better word) countless times, but, out of all those times, he picked this past Saturday night, in one of the stalls in the crowded public men's room at a drive-in movie theater to shout out, "Dad, you got a big penis!" Thank you and goodnight.

2-9-14

It's actually been quite a while since I've shaved my face clean and, after doing it this morning, I'm thinking that it may be a long time before I do it again ... my 8-year-old has been habitually petting my cheeks all day long, calling them a baby's butt and insisting on enthusiastically telling strangers about it.

1-23-14

Years from now, after my kids move out, I'm going to start hiding sealed red folders with the words CONFIDENTIAL stamped on them all over the house. Each one will contain lots of fake, redacted CIA "files", high tech vehicle and weapon schematics and black and white surveillance photos of myself and tough looking terrorists types. That way, after I die and my kids are cleaning out all my old stuff, they'll stumble upon the folders and think that their dorky dad was actually a really cool secret agent. That or it will just confirm to them that their dad really was a dork. To be honest, I'm completely comfortable with either outcome.

1-21-14

One of my favorite hobbies is repeatedly using made-up, nonsense words in place of real words around my kids and wait for them to start using them, too. Yes, I know I'm evil, but hey, a dad's gotta have some fun.

1-17-14

When my 3-year-old bursted into the room this morning doing his best pirate impression and attempting to strike an intimidating pose, I didn't have the heart to tell him that the pinwheel he was brandishing as a sword was somewhat defusing the overall effect that I'm pretty sure he was going for.

1-11-14

"Why Are There Rollerskates in the Bathtub? And Other Non-Sensical, Mostly Rhetorical Questions I've Found Myself Asking Out Loud on a Daily Basis Since Becoming a Father Eight and a Half Years Ago" — the title of my non-forthcoming book that I haven't written that's not coming soon to a closed bookstore no longer near you. Be sure to not pre-order your non-existing copy today.

1-1-14

I gotta hand it to my 3-year-old. Most people probably would have given up asking for another marshmallow after 397 failed attempts, but he hung in there and, after an additional 2487 requests, he finally broke my wife down.

1-1-14

So I'm eating my lunch at the dining room table and the 3-year-old walks over. "Can I sit on your lap, daddy?" he asks. "Uh ... I'm eating my lunch, but I guess so," I begrudgingly respond. He gets up and in walks the 8-year-old. "Hey! I wanna sit on your lap, too!" she yells and enthusiastically jumps up on the other side with a thud. I now have a giggly, blonde-headed wall between me and my food. After a moment of me grumbling about being hungry and not, in fact, Santa Claus, both hop down and, as if by magic, now all my chips are mysteriously gone. It was like some sort expertly executed con-artist heist/diet plan.

12-27-13

"Randy laid there like a slug; it was his only defense." If only that worked for me with my kids. It doesn't.

12-25-13

My 8-year-old wrapped and gave me her old, nearly naked Flynn Ryder doll for Christmas today. When I asked her why, she said because she "didn't want it any more." Really warms a dad's heart. The least she could have done was to put some clothes on the poor guy. Though it did make me feel a little less bad about that week old tuna sandwich that I had wrapped up for her.

12-21-13

So sometimes when my wife and I spontaneously want to go to the movies (and it's too short of notice to beg our friends to babysit our kids), we take them to a local daycare place that has lots of toys and fun activities for them. Today is one of those days and, after looking at the daycare's calendar on their website, we tried to get the kids excited by telling them that they're going to be making holiday "crafts" there today ...

MY 8-YEAR-OLD: (extremely excited) Yaaaaay! Holiday crafts! Woo-hoo! 

MY 3-YEAR-OLD: (angrily stomps his feet) Awwwww, I HATE crafts! (pauses) I like giraffes. They gonna have giraffes?

Uhhhhh ... yes, son, I think they might even have crafts of giraffes and giraffes doing crafts just for laughs! Now hurry up and finish your green eggs and ham; mom and I are trying to make the 12:00 show.

12-20-13

We took the kids to see Santa today.

MY 8-YEAR-OLD (after first asking for what she wanted): And can you give our dog a bone? SANTA: (laughs) Of course! And a knick-knack-paddy-whack? 

MY 8-YEAR-OLD: (after a confused pause, in a "what the heck is this guy talking about" tone) No. Just a bone.

12-20-13

Today we climbed aboard the North Pole Express to pick up Santa at the "North Pole" which, in this case, was a heavily decorated shack several miles away from the station, in a snowless, iceless area surrounded by palm trees and orange groves ... not exactly as you'd picture it, but hey, the kids bought it.

12-14-13

Watching my 3-year-old doing ketchup shooters at In-N-Out Burger. Gross.

12-6-13

MY 8-YEAR-OLD: So, is it really true that you get coal if you're naughty?

ME: Yep, it's true.

MY 8-YEAR-OLD: (after a pause) You can use coal for snowmen's eyes and mouths.

ME: Uh ... yeah, also true.

MY 8-YEAR-OLD: So then getting coal is a good thing.

Yep, I'm going to be in trouble with this one.

12-6-13

So today is St. Nick's Day and my wife got my 8-year-old this thing called "Hair Chalk." It's like chalk that you can use to color your hair. I've never head of such a thing, but she was very excited about it. And this is why my sideburns are blue today.

11-28-13

In a year of personal sadness and loss, I am most thankful this Thanksgiving for the memories I have of happier times. I am also supremely thankful for the people and things and moments in my life that make me laugh and/or smile. For example, hearing my 3-year-old early this morning, after leaving the bathroom, wandering the house with his pants around his ankles, repeatedly yelling out, "Mom wipe my butt!" Or my 8-year-old, who goes outside in the cold for the sole purpose of then being able to come back in 5 minutes later and demand hot cocoa. Finally, as cheesy as it sounds, I am also thankful for Facebook so the socially awkward introvert that I am is able to connect, reconnect and/or stay connected with family and friends and attempt to occasionally make them laugh and/or smile as well. Thank you to those who take the time to read what I write and Happy Thanksgiving to you all.

11-16-13

Just got done with a little carpentry work ... boxcutting a drawbridge and window in my kids' new refrigerator box castle. What? Wood and cardboard both come from trees so yes, it does too count as carpentry.

11-14-13

Hearing my 3-year-old repeatedly say, "Aaaah, what's up doc?" in the other room to himself in his best Bugs Bunny impersonation and giggle hysterically after each time somehow just made my morning. Thanks, you wascially wabbit of a son of mine.

11-3-13

Every night, as I slip into bed I become Gollum, snuggling in and whispering, "My precious" to my bed. And then, hours later, those hobbitses known as my alarm clock and my children come along and try to steal my precious from me. We wants it, we needs it. Must have the precious. They stole it from us. Wicked, tricksy, sneaky little hobbitses!

10-19-13

Today while at a pumpkin patch that has a petting zoo, my 3-year-old turned to us and yelled, "I WANNA GO SEE — [pauses briefly to belch the loudest I've ever heard him belch in his life] — THE PIGS!" So young and he's already mastered his ironic comic timing. I could't be prouder.

10-12-13

So, having already mastered the common adolescent practice of repeatedly asking "why?" to everything, my 3-year-old has moved beyond it and has advanced to an all new methodology that, I'm proud to say, I think he's developed all on his own. It works as follows:

3-YEAR-OLD: How do you get to outer space?

ME: In a rocket.

3-YEAR-OLD: What kind of rocket?

ME: A space rocket.

3-YEAR-OLD: What kind of space rocket?

ME: A fast space rocket.

3-YEAR-OLD: What kind of fast space rocket?

ME: A really fast space rocket.

3-YEAR-OLD: What kind of really fast space rocket?

I'm starting to think he just likes messing with me.

10-6-13

Doll: Previously purchased and I have no idea how much it cost

Package of Fake Mustaches: $5.99

Look on my daughter's face when she discovers I combined the two: Priceless

10-5-13

My 3-year-old does not get the whole concept of bubbles. After using the bubble blower once, if we aren't paying attention to him he will always dump out the rest of the bottle onto the ground. It used to really tick me off until I realized that maybe he's just been doing "one for himself and one for his homies" all this time. Boy don't I feel like an insensitive jerk.

10-2-13

When not in use, my laptop would previously reside on the top of my dresser. That was before the 3-year-old decided to make it his new hobby to remove it whenever I'm not around, open it up and systematically rename all the files on my desktop in his native tongue of gibberish, all in an act that he, when caught, happily refers to as "just checking my e-mail, daddy."

10-2-13

I recently overheard the 8-year-old and 3-year-old comparing (what I can only assume was) their early Christmas lists. The 8-year-old started with "a doll house". The 3-year-old excitedly concurred, but with the minor addendum, "a Lightning McQueen doll house!" The 8-year-old then followed it up with "a horse" and, of course, the 3-year-old responded enthusiastically with, "Yeah, a Lightning McQueen horse!" I'm beginning to suspect that the 3-year-old may be a tad obsessed. Boy, Santa is gonna be soooo screwed with that one's list this year. Haha, Santa! Good luck with that! Oh, wait ... craaaaap!

10-1-13

Love hurts. A perfect example of this is when your 8-year-old lovingly kisses you on the side of your head, only to get her gum stuck in your hair (how?!), then (unbeknownst to you) she realizes what she's done and immediately starts trying to yank it out. My hair now smells of a delicious combination of mint and peanut butter.

9-29-13

My new hobby: Putting fake mustaches on my daughter's dolls when she's not looking. My favorite part is when she discovers them and frustratingly yells out "Arrrrgh!!! Daddy!!!" from another room. How does she always know it was me?!

9-28-13

My 8-year-old asked me to carry her and promised that if I did, she wouldn't fart on my hands. And all this time I thought that was a "given". Silly dad.

9-21-13

I had an unexpected bonding moment with my 3-year-old today. [TMI ALERT] While using the bathroom, he barged in and decided to drop trough and join me at the bowl, thereby making it the first time I've ever pee'd into the same toilet at the same time with another person. Don't worry, Dr. Spengler, I made sure we didn't cross the streams.

9-20-13

Yep, just me and the boy this weekend. You know what that means. Uh-huh ... when the cat's away, the mouse will be forced to pretend like he has knows how to take care of a 3-year-old by himself for more than a 2 hour stretch. Why do I have a feeling that I'm gonna find myself in a substitute teacher kind of situation here? What is that you say, son? Mom lets you watch movies all day and eat marshmallows for every meal? Uhhh ... well, I guess that sounds okay ...

9-20-13

It's just me and the boy this weekend as the wife and daughter are going camping with the Girl Scouts. The strippers will be arriving at 8 pm. Kidding of course ... it wouldn't be any fun — my son would just keep pestering them for milk the whole time.

9-15-13

We, like many of you out there I'm sure, have a set of house rules. My particular favorite of ours is "No food in the bedrooms." This rule is in place primarily because my kids are messy eaters and like to leave remnants for our local ants to come and enjoy. I use this rule more than any other I think. Maybe "abuse" is a better word than "use." Allow me to explain. Whenever I'm doing something in the bedroom (no, not "that", you dirty minded person) — I mean like hanging curtains (and no, that's not a euphemism) that my kids had pulled out of the wall for the fourth time this year, and they're bugging me, I'll simply stop what I'm doing, walk to the kitchen and open a banana. I do this knowing that my kids, being the biggest food moochers on the planet (as I previously mentioned), will always follow me and ask for one, too. I then just give them my banana, go back to what I was doing in the bedroom and remind them that there's NO FOOD IN THE BEDROOMS! Works every time. Consider this "Father Survival Tip #132." I'm considerably proud of this particular one. You're welcome.

9-15-13

I swear my kids are the biggest food moochers on the planet. Therefore, it behooves me to remain the only non-gluten free person in the house. Even if my food doesn't have gluten in it, I quickly claim it does because I know my kids will stop asking. I only run into trouble when they catch me eating something of theirs that they know is gluten free. Like this morning, my 3-year-old caught me eating one of the gluten-free donuts that my wife had made everyone and the following conversation took place.

3-YEAR-OLD: What you eating dad?

ME: (busted) What? Who me?!

3-YEAR-OLD: Yeah. What are you eating?

ME: (thinking fast) Poop.

3-YEAR-OLD: (very concerned) Why are you eating poop, dad?

ME: (walking briskly away) Nothing! It's got gluten in it! Leave me alone!

9-15-13

My 8-year-old just walked into the room where I am and the following brief conversation took place.

8-YEAR-OLD: Mom?

ME: I'm dad.

8-YEAR-OLD: Dad?

ME: Yeah?

8-YEAR-OLD: I'm gonna go ask mom something.

ME: Ok then.

And my work here is done.

9-5-13

My new job has me working in a building that resides on Hollywood Boulevard, which is where the Walk of Fame is ... you know, the sidewalk with all the stars with celebrity names on them. My wife and kids came to visit me today at lunch time and my daughter, who's 8, asked me in complete seriousness where the star with my name was. I laughed at first, but then couldn't help but think that the 8-year-old version of myself — who was so full of dreams of working in the film industry even at that young age, who would watch the Academy Awards every year and fantasize about being up on that stage, accepting his very own Oscar and making his mom so proud — if given the chance would have asked the present-day version of me that very same question.

8-31-13

Shaving. The 3-year-old bursts into the bathroom, looks up at me, narrows his eyes and asks with intensity, "Daddy ... why you mow your face?"

Because daddy's too cheap to pay a gardener do it for him.

7-18-13

Fatherhood is being amazed with your 3-year-old when he unexpectedly offers to get you a glass of water ... and then being equally horrified when he returns with it, only to take a big swig out of it before handing it to you, and then patiently waits (all smiley and proud of himself) for you to drink it down, all while you can clearly see the multitude of backwashed food particles that are now swirling around in it.

7-12-13

Now hear this ... my 8-year-old daughter just enthusiastically informed me this morning that "when you're in the bathroom, you can fart all you want and you don't have to say excuse me!" Please pass it on ... the word that is.

7-9-13

Something I learned firsthand while at my daughter's recent birthday party: There's no manly way to run while holding a balloon by the string. Can you believe I actually tried?

7-6-13

While I'm hiding in — er, I mean using — the bathroom, my 8-year-old daughter suddenly bangs on the door and the following conversation takes place ...

8-YEAR-OLD: Daaaaaaaaddddyyy!

ME: (sigh) Yeah?

8-YEAR-OLD: I neeeeeeeed you!

ME: I'll be out in a minute.

8-YEAR-OLD: Arrrrghhh ... what are you doing?!

ME: What do you think I'm doing? I'm going to the bathroom.

8-YEAR-OLD: Nuh-uh! I don't hear any noises coming out of your boy parts!

Busted.

6-23-13

Potty-training with my 2-year-old means (in his words) a game of making "snakes and water fountains." You're welcome for sharing.

6-15-13

I love when my 2-year-old follows me with his plastic toy mower while I'm mowing the lawn. That way I can say he was the one that wasn't paying attention and totally obliterated that sprinkler head. Again.

6-12-13

So after trying to explain the whole jury duty and trial thing to my 7-year-old tonight and how it was up to me and 11 other people to decide who was right and wrong, she paused a moment and asked, "Why don't they just do 'eeny miney mo?'" I replied, "Um ... I don't know" and she told me to ask the judge tomorrow. I'm thinking that might not be a good idea.

6-3-13

Sometimes being a father means needing to use your 2-year-old's Batman face cloth because it's the only clean one left. Being a father also means owning a Batman face cloth and being able to claim it's the 2-year-old's and not actually yours.

5-28-13

My 2-year-old is a firm believer in the barter system. He will happily trade what he wants for not whining relentlessly about what he wants.

5-19-13

That awkward moment when you're rushing to the bathroom to pee only to find that several Barbies have chosen this unfortunate spot to sunbathe ... or whatever it is that they're doing. I've come to learn that Barbies in our house do weird things sometimes.

5-15-13

Our house is overrun with Barbies — most of them given to us by "friends" whose kids don't want them anymore. I've had to put them away so many times now that I could easily write a book on "How to Pick Up Women." See what I did there?

5-12-13

News flash from my 7-year-old ... She just informed me that her farts are really gross. More as this story develops.

5-12-13

When we told the 2-year-old we were going to the Aquarium of the Pacific, he said "I get my fishing pole!" No joke.

5-11-13

Conversation in the car just now ...

7-YEAR-OLD: What kind of store is that?

MOM: That's an adult store.

7-YEAR-OLD: But it says "toys" on the window.

ME: Uhh ... good reading skills!

5-7-13

When asked why she didn't eat the chips that were packed in her lunch, my 7-year-old replied, "Because they make my hands too slippery on the monkey bars." Now THAT'S a girl who's got her priorities straight.

4-28-13

There has to be some kind of link between my kids learning to walk and the strange and daily phenomena that leads me to constantly find that several of our dining room chairs have mysteriously migrated to our kitchen. It's like an obstacle course every time I try to walk in there. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm gonna get to the bottom of it one of these days.

4-28-13

My 2-year-old, like many who have come before him, has started to reply "why?" to everything we say to him. It's really getting out if hand ... yesterday (I kid you not) he actually said it to my GPS after it announced I should "turn right at the next light."

4-28-13

In the middle of the night last night I woke up to hear my 2-year-old having a "nightmare" ... he kept yelling, "I don't wanna make my bed! I need help!" I can only assume it was a monster that was making him do it. One of those rare types of monsters that just makes you do chores around the house I guess.

4-24-13

My 2-year-old apparently does not approve of my newly grown facial hair. I know this because he yells at me, "Daddy you have pokes on your face — you take it off really NOW!" Sure thing, kid ... as soon as you promise to stop taking all the batteries out of the remotes really NOW!

4-23-13

A typical conversation with my 2-year-old ...

2-YEAR-OLD: Where'd mommy go?

ME: She went into the store.

2-YEAR-OLD: Why?

ME: So she could by food.

2-YEAR-OLD: Why?

ME: So she can make us a yummy dinner.

2-YEAR-OLD: Why?

ME: So we can eat it.

2-YEAR-OLD: Why?

ME: To fill our bellies up.

[A moment of silence.]

2-YEAR-OLD: Where'd mommy go?

That course he took at the Lou Costello School of Communication is really paying off.

4-22-13

My wife uses Netflix streaming primarily for the kids and now (because the account is under my name) Netflix thinks that all I like are movies about trains and fairies. By the way, thanks for recommending the entire Thomas the Tank Engine catalog, Netflix. I can't wait to call in sick tomorrow to binge watch them all.

4-14-13

The 7-year-old woke me up this morning by offering me (i.e. shoving in my face) a cup of "chamomile" (of the imaginary variety) tea. Bleary-eyed, I took an obligatory sip from the plastic cup and, as I did, she quickly disclaimed that it had onions in it, but not to worry, I won't taste them. Obviously she's been talking to my mom. She then continued to list out all the other ingredients. I'm no expert on tea, but I'm pretty sure there's no variety of chamomile that has taco mix in it. And wait a minute ... where did the water in this cup come from exactly?!

3-11-13

I'm always amazed at how disgusting the lenses on my glasses are ... I mean, seriously, I wear them for like a minute at night and maybe 5 minutes after I get up in the morning, yet they look like someone's been eating off of them. Then I remember my kids' penchant for waking me up in the morning by jumping on my belly and immediately (and painfully) cramming my glasses onto my face and it all becomes very clear ... or unclear. Both.

3-10-13

Overheard this morning ...

WIFE TO 2-YEAR-OLD: (while he giggles hysterically) Hey! It's not funny to pee on things!

Anyone out there beg to differ?

3-3-13

Overheard this morning, coming from the bathroom ...

WIFE TO 2-YEAR-OLD: Hey! There's no laughing at yourself in the mirror while the water is running!

Yet another one of mom's weird, arbitrary rules.

2-24-13

We have one of those Oscar pre-shows on right now and my 7-year-old just wandered out of her room, saw someone on the red carpet with a tux on and said, "Is that guy getting married or something?"

2-23-13

Whenever I catch my 2-year-old picking his nose I like to ask him what he's digging for. His most recent answer: "There's a rock up in here."

2-23-13

A conversation overheard between my wife and 7-year old this morning ...

WIFE: You can't wear socks with flip flops.

7-YEAR-OLD: Why not?!

WIFE: Because you can't.

And with that, yet another harsh, inexplicable life lesson has been learned. I will do my best to remember it from here on out.

2-17-13

If either of my kids want to whisper something in your ear, be forewarned. I've come to learn that the 7-year-old is excessively "breathy" and 2-year-old will immediately stick his finger in your ear after he's done.

2-15-13

I awoke this morning to the sound of my daughter attempting to roller skate down our hallway. Instead of getting up, I rolled over and pretended not to hear. Seconds later, I heard a thump and then my son started to snicker. My daughter then let out a frustrated grunt. Another couple seconds later I heard another thump, my son start to giggle loudly and then my daughter yell out, "Mom! Riley keeps laughing at me when I fall down!" To this, I smiled. Only 2-years-old and my son already has an appreciation for slapstick. Life is good.

2-10-13

Sometimes when I make popcorn I get a little sloppy pouring the kernels into the bowl and some end up on the kitchen floor. I'll usually pick those up and put them into the dog's bowl. I've been doing this for a long time now. My wife just informed me tonight that it isn't actually the dog that that usually eats them the next morning ... it's the 2-year-old.

2-9-13

My 7-year-old thinks "Its really cool that Wonder Woman can be in her clothes and then spin around and then is in her swimming suit."

2-8-13

As a father of small children I've come to realize I ask a lot of really dumb questions out loud these days. Questions that I clearly know the answer to. Questions like: Why is there peanut butter on the bathroom floor?

2-7-13

It's a little less "girly" if the thing my son is pushing around in his sister's pink baby doll stroller is a basketball, right?

2-6-13

My 2-year-old continues to insist on joining me when he see's me go into the bathroom and, in the interest of potty training, I begrudgingly let him. I don't know what's more unnerving, him enthusiastically watching me as I "prepare" to pee or excitedly yelling "It's working! It's working!" when I finally do.

2-5-13

Does anyone know if they make those "invisible fence" electric dog collars for children? What? Oh, yeah ... I know ... of course that'd be totally wrong ... ha ha ... geez, I was just joking, guys! But do they?

2-2-13

Man, my neighbors are so freaking annoying! At 6:00 AM they're yelling and screaming and blaring their music -- I swear to God I'm gonna call the police on them! It's as if they're right in my own hou-- oh wait ... it's my kids.

2-1-13

As a father, one of the things I want to make sure my daughter knows is that girls can do anything that boys can. Well ... except going topless in public and pee standing up. I mean, I guess technically girls can do both of those things, but I'll make sure she knows that neither are really recommended.

1-25-13

Here's an interesting fun fact that I learned since becoming a father: Toy cars actually make for excellent makeshift roller skates, especially in the middle of the night while walking in the dark to the bathroom. Needless to say I got there waaaay faster than I expected to. And good thing there was that wall there to stop me.

1-22-13

I both love and am concerned that my 7-year-old still falls for my patented "Is that a rabbit in the backyard?!" diversion technique.

12-26-12

Any time my 2-year-old gets a "boo-boo" I always offer to kiss it to make it better, but he always refuses and goes directly to his mom for it. I try not to take it personally. Yesterday he surprised me and actually asked me to hug his boo-boo instead. I felt a little weird hugging his foot, but hey ... it's progress, right?

12-25-12

While driving home from visiting relatives today, my 7-year-old daughter asked if we could play hide-and-go-seek in the car. She told me to hide while she counted to 5. I lost ... I suck at that game.

12-24-12

While getting Chinese food for lunch today, my 7-year-old asks if we can be sure to "get some of those breaky things with the words in them." Anyone care to translate?

12-23-12

Happy Festivus, Everyone! Let's begin with the airing of grievances which I will be starting with my whiny 2-year-old who insisted on waking everyone up in the house at 5 AM this morning.

12-23-12

I don't believe in the saying "You snooze, you lose." Snoozing with two crazy kids in the house is like the best thing ever. I snooze, I win.

12-22-12

While shopping today, my 7-year-old disappeared for a moment and then returned with something that she said we should buy it for grandma. Uh ... no ... sorry, we're not buying grandma lingerie.

12-21-12

Me to my 7-year-old: Okay, your mom and I need to run some errands today so we need you to stay with grandma and grandpa. You need to follow their rules and do as they say, okay? Her response to me: Everyone has one hole that poop comes out of.

12-21-12

While trying to explain to my 7-year-old that, when trying to get someone's attention, she should wait for a break in the conversation before saying "excuse me" instead of what she normally does which is saying it over and over and over again and getting louder each time. Her response? "Even when I fart?"

12-20-12

Every time I read "T'was the Night Before Christmas" to the kids at bedtime I purposely misread the line about Santa "laying a finger aside his nose" by saying "laying a finger inside his nose" and can't finish the story without giggling till the very end. Yes, I am a child.

12-15-12

I'm about to take my super hyper 7-year-old daughter Christmas shopping. By myself. Does that make me a cool dad or clinically insane? If you answered "cool dad" then you clearly don't know my daughter.

12-10-12

So it turns out my 2-year-old son has great taste in movies ... he proved it by re-enacting the swimming pool scene from Caddyshack tonight in the tub. And no, I don't mean the part with the synchronized swimming. Gross.

12-9-12

I drive the older car in my family so that means the kids ride in my wife's car 99% of the time, but a situation arose yesterday when I needed to drive my 7-year-old daughter somewhere. After about 10 minutes of unrelentingly belting out Christmas songs from her car seat (by the way, when she starts in on "Twelve Days of Christmas", you know you're in for a serious treat), she stops suddenly, pauses a moment and then says, "Dad? Why does your car shake so much? It's vibrating on my girl parts." Uhhh ....

On a completely unrelated note, to raise some extra cash for the holidays I've decided to start a taxi service for women only.

11-18-12

My 7-year-old is clearly destined to become a pop star someday. She's already an expert in the art of what I like to call "free association singing". Some recent sample lyrics that I was privileged to hear went something like this: "I'm swinging on the swing in my backyard and and it's sunny outside and the sky is blue and the grass is green and there are lots of clouds and I like fairies and my dress is red and sometimes my brother is stinky because he poops in his pants and my dad has brown hair!" This was, of course, all sung at the top of her lungs and more than just a little off-key (we'll fix that part in post), all while her aforementioned 2-year-old brother did what I can only describe as some sort of interpretive dance moves next to her. I'm on the phone with an agent as I type this. Their world tour starts next year.

11-16-12

My sleep cycle is extremely fragile between the early morning hours of 3-5 AM. By this, I mean if I wake up during that time, I find it very difficult to fall back to sleep. Of course, that's exactly the timeframe when my 7-year-old has been waking up and coming into my room to snuggle. Last night she curled up close and started breathing through her nose, which immediately started to whistle. And I could tell exactly the moment when she noticed it because she then started to breath even harder and I was treated to what seemed like a 3 minute concert performed DIRECTLY INTO MY LEFT EAR while I tried to ignore her. Moments before I was going to say something, she abruptly stopped, enthusiastically tapped my shoulder and said, "Hey dad! You wanna hear something cool?!"

11-11-12

My 2-year-old really needs to work on his communication skills. For example, when he wanders around, repeatedly saying nonsensical, incomplete sentences like "Hungry food eat." Now what the heck is that supposed to mean?!

11-10-12

How come all my 7-year-old daughter's questions start with the words "how come"?

11-3-12

My 7-year-old to me: "Dad, can I ride on your shoulders? I promise I won't fart." Well, in that case, hop on up there little lady!

11-3-12

My 7-year-old daughter sits quietly while eating a cupcake. It's what I like to call the quiet before the (sugar) storm.

10-30-12

My 2-year-old is mimicking me more and more these days ... is it too late to hire a better role model?

10-17-12

If anything, my two children have once and for all proved to me that there's no truth in the "momma had a baby and her head popped off" myth.

10-9-12

Both my (crazy) kids were conceived in October. What that means is if you need to find me, I will be living at an undisclosed Holiday Inn somewhere in Orange County for the duration of this month.

10-5-12

You know when you get up in the middle of the night to get a glass or water and, while trying to be as quiet as you can on your way to the kitchen, you find yourself inadvertently coming into contact with the single-most loudest toy that your 2-year-old owns, the fire truck with the professional grade siren, which of course you step directly on, causing it to go off and, because it has wheels it not only shoots across the room directly into your poor sleeping dog (who jumps up yelping), but also causes you to be thrown backwards, stumbling haplessly into a wall where you hit a picture frame that comes crashing to the floor at which point everyone in the house is now awake, either crying or yelling profanities and you think to yourself, "Well, my work here is done." Yeah, that's my favorite.

9-30-12

So my wife discovered the 2-year-old drinking from his potty chair bowl, which he had filled with water from the bathroom sink, thereby marking the one and only time I have ever been thankful he has yet to use it for it's intended purpose.

9-27-12

It's nice the kids left me a square or two of toilet paper on the roll. If I need more, I'm sure there's probably about 20 feet of it strewn across the backyard.

9-26-12

I'm a great father. I play hide-and-seek with the kids all the time. I'm usually the one that does the hiding. Typically in the bathroom. With the door locked. Oh, and I don't tell them that I'm playing hide-and-seek. That still counts, though, right?

9-25-12

Thanks to a cranky 2-year-old, my house was magically whisked away to Whine Country this morning around 3 AM. The entire house was forced to partake in a whine tasting session by our master purveyor and after being subjected to what I can only assume was a case of the finest of whines, consumed over what felt like an hours time, I can say that this morning's vintage displayed an annoying bouquet of aggravation followed by a heavy, lingering aftertaste of exhaustion. I hope I don't get pulled over while driving to work.

9-21-12

My 2-year-old son always excitedly points out planes when sees one fly over. Because of this, for Halloween I've decided to get us matching white suits.

9-21-12

Ever since I foolishly (and uncharacteristically) neglected to shut the bathroom door that recent fateful night and my 7-year-old daughter inadvertently learned firsthand how boys pee ("THAT'S HOW YOU PEE?! YOU HOLD YOUR PENIS!?!"), my daughter, caring individual that she is, now always feels the need to enthusiastically remind me, "Don't forget to hold your penis, dad!" every time she see's me enter a bathroom — in public or not. And now my 2-year-old son insists on joining me every time so he can observe my, uh, technique (I keep waiting for him to pull out a protractor and compass the way he studies so intently ... it's actually kind of unnerving). Then, when I'm done, I exit the bathroom to find myself walking directly into press conference where my daughter throws the same rapid-fire barrage of questions my way, "Did you hold your penis? Why do you need to hold your penis? Why do boys need to stand up to pee?" This is my life.

9-19-12

Since becoming a parent, one of my Top 10 most commonly repeated phrases has got to be: "Ah crap, what the hell is that on my pants?!"

9-18-12

So we're trying to get the 2-year-old to potty train and tonight I decided to, uh, lead by example. After several moments of intensive observation (seriously ... he looked like he should've been holding onto a clipboard) and silence (well, besides the sound of me peeing) he looked up at me in awe and said, "Woah ... water fountain!"

9-18-12

My 2-year-old son's new favorite song is "Love Roller Coaster" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but I keep hearing him singing it with different lyrics, replacing roller coaster with the things he's become fascinated with: helicopter, motorcycle and water fountain ... hoo hoo hoo hoo. Weird Al would be proud.

9-9-12

My 7-year-old's quote of the day, "Why is Lady GaGa gonna poke her in the face?"

9-3-12

I made the mistake of telling my 7-year-old daughter that I had a little headache and within minutes she had me tucked into bed and wearing her Hello Kitty eye mask. She then made me a cup of Emergen-C and wrapped my right foot in a toilet paper bandage. I'm afraid to know what she would have done had I had a big headache. Strangely enough my headache is gone now.

9-2-12

I was almost really proud of my 7-year-old daughter today ... she had a dollar to spend at Target and her choice, out of everything she could get (which honestly wasn't much), was a package of fake dog poop. Unfortunately at the checkout counter she changed her mind, deciding that her selection was "too poopy".

9-1-12

I just asked my 2-year-old, "What does a sheep say?" and he answered, "Baaa baaa baaaa, ba barbara ann." True story.

8-21-12

I'm the sole night person in a house full of rabid morning people. That means getting out of bed for me every morning and leaving my bedroom is very much like merging onto a busy freeway with a 1 foot on-ramp.

8-19-12

Alliteration can be dangerous ... especially when accidentally used by a fire truck loving 2-year-old who loves to loudly call them out whenever he sees one in public. Let's just say he doesn't yell out "Tire Tuck!"

8-11-12

Hot coals? Whatever. Try walking barefoot on a path of spilled Legos.

8-9-12

So my 7-year-old daughter discovered my cologne this morning. Despite her denial, I could easily tell based on the intense, eye-watering vapor cloud that completely encompassed her as she entered the room. I'm now considering buying her a gold chain, wife beater and chest hair toupee to complete the image. On a related note, the bathroom, where she apparently bathed in it, has been boarded up due to the fallout. I suspect we'll be able to safely re-enter the room in about 15 or 20 years.

8-4-12

I used to need an alarm clock to wake me up in the morning, but since becoming a father, my darling children decide when I should wake up by either sloppily shoving my glasses onto my face (lovingly poking me in the eyeballs several times in the process) or by simply jumping on me and kneeing me in the groin once or twice. One of those methods usually does the trick.

8-3-12

As a father, once in a while you're able to witness a moment in your son's life that instills you with a sense of pride. A moment where you think to yourself, "I have taught him well." While belting out a somewhat slurred rendition of "Happy Birthday" to no one in particular (as he has often been known to do), my 2-year-old was rudely interrupted by gas emitting from his own body which caused him to abruptly stop singing, point to his own butt, say, "Heh ... fot," and then resume his song right where he had left off. I'm not entirely sure if that was one of those moments.

8-3-12

Today's life lesson learned: Having Mexican food for dinner while on vacation and sharing a single hotel room is not the best of ideas. The pivotal moment in the evening came when my wife said to my daughter, "Wow ... you ate that whole plate of beans?" By then, it was already too late.

8-1-12

The other day I was coloring a picture with my daughter and she paid me a compliment and, you know what, I AM "a good arter", dammit.

7-31-12

I absolutely love my daughter's imagination, but she always automatically assumes that I'll be her tireless henchman in every elaborate scheme that pops into her head and I'm sorry, but sometimes dad just can't muster the same amount of of energy and enthusiasm that she has to build an entire carnival in our backyard out of cardboard boxes. Would it be wrong if next time I go to the Home Depot parking lot and hire some day laborers to help her? It'd be worth it just to see their confused expressions as she bosses them around.

7-17-12

Without warning, Christmas in July has come to the Larson household this morning as I woke to the ... ahem ... "enchanting" sounds of my daughter singing Christmas songs in the key of loud (the only one she knows), along with my son, who clearly has absolutely no idea what the heck is going on (but always willing to cheerfully go with the flow) doing his best to sing backup. It would seem they discovered the Christmas playlist on our iPod and now I am craving egg nog.

7-7-12

When it comes to food dropped on the floor or ground, it seems my 1-year-old is a firm believer in the 3 day rule.

6-27-12

So can someone tell me why my 1-year-old always gets all huggy right after he's had several handfuls of apple sauce?

6-21-12

My 1-year-old has taken to barking commands at me now. Whenever he sees me, he yells one of three things at me — "Work!", "Eat!" or "Mow!" Apparently those are the only three things he thinks I do.

6-21-12

So much for being prepared ... I expected the kids to wake me up this morning by attacking me in bed (like they've been known to do) and yelling "Happy Birthday", but they didn't ... so I wore my cup and all that extra padding all night for nothing.

6-19-12

A special thank you goes out today to my 1-year-old son who inadvertently made my cranky mood instantaneously dissipate this morning. While he and his sister were walking me to my car, his pants fell down and he stopped to frustratingly yank them back up, only to have it happen again a few steps later. And then again a few more steps after that. The thought of it is still cracking me up. Thank you, Riley, for the slapsticky attitude adjustment I so desperately needed.

6-16-12

An open letter to my 6-year-old daughter: While I appreciate your wanting me to look "handsome" before I leave the house each morning, when your definition of the word handsome specifically includes brushing my hair completely flat, buttoning my shirt all the way up to the top button, wrapping a pink feather boa around my neck and the plopping the Disneyland Goofy hat that I bought 20 years ago on my head, I would like to respectfully decline your offer for help.

6-16-12

While at the mall today with the fam I was chasing my 1-year-old around and overheard my wife say to my 6-year-old, "Zoey, put down the machine gun." Granted, it was only a toy, but it certainly wasn't something I'd ever thought I'd hear. She's more into bazookas these days.

6-12-12

And on another music-related note regarding my 1-year-old son (and further proof that my children are complete weirdos), my son's current bedtime musical kryptonite (or music that never fails to put him to sleep almost instantly) is not lullabies, but actually, in fact, Spanish guitar music. And I'm not talking slow, romantic Spanish guitar music -- I'm talking like freakin' fast-paced Salsa Spanish guitar music.

6-5-12

Woke up in the middle of the night last night. While trying to fall back to sleep, I suddenly heard my 1-year-old son break the silence by saying "Walk Wile E." in his sleep and I couldn't help but smile at the thought that he and my dog were probably dreaming the same thing.

6-1-12

My 6-year-old daughter insisted I take one of her stuffed animals to work this morning "in case I need to snuggle." How did she know all my coworkers always say no?

5-26-12

It just occurred to me that I should actually be thanking my children for being so obnoxiously loud every single early morning. It's clear to me now that they're doing it out of love. They're trying to condition me so when I'm eventually committed to the insane asylum I'll be able to sleep peacefully every night with ease. Awwww ... thanks kids!

5-22-12

I would like to thank the Chipmunks (or, more accurately, the Chipettes) for exposing my 6-year-old daughter to the musical stylings of Lady Gaga and, thereby, her father as well. And now I require the services of an exorcist to get the chorus of "Bad Romance" out of my head.

5-21-12

I learned recently that my 1-year-old son is writing a book entitled, "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Toddlers." Chapter 2 is entitled "Ad Nauseam" and, broken down, it basically entails verbally repeating what you want, over and over again, until you get it. For example, his new favorite thing is to take our dog Wile E. for a walk. This morning around 4:30 a.m. I awoke to him saying "wok wilee" roughly 456 thousand times. It got to the point where my half asleep brain was convinced his repeated phrase was the alarm on my clock and I futilely tried to make it stop by hitting the snooze bar.

5-20-12

Watching my 1-year-old son playing Operation and laughing hysterically every time he repeatedly and purposely makes it buzz and cause the guy's nose to light up. Note to self: If I ever need surgery, do NOT allow my son to perform it.

5-20-12

Argh! My 1-year-old son always pours the last half of his drink on the floor — kid must have an awful lot of dead homies.

5-14-12

So while folding clothes the other day, my 6-year-old daughter happened to see a pair of my boxer briefs and commented that she thought it was pretty cool that I had a pocket on the front of my underwear. Now why didn't I think of that? I'm gonna start carrying my cell phone in there. What the heck — I'm done having kids.

5-13-12

The 1-year-old didn't get his mom a gift this year ... what a jerk. I even gave him 20 bucks, but I think he blew it all at the track. That or he ate it. Never can tell with 1-year-olds these days.

5-3-12

If there's any benefits to living with a small child it's being able to easily blame them for the previously undetected food stain on your shirt that you yourself suspect the self-incriminating truth about. Yes, for a few short years all your sloppy eating habits can magically be forgiven with a simple shrug/sigh combo along with the key phrase, "Ugh ... kids!" Works every time.

4-22-12

My 1-year-old son, much like his sister did before him, has recently discovered the joy of putting random things in the all too easily assessable pockets of my cargo shorts when I'm not paying attention. He's like the opposite of a pick-pocket. One of the best parts of the day comes when I need to empty them before putting on my pajamas at night and I discover all the random, small objects (toys, leaves, scraps of paper, crayons, rocks, etc.) that I have been unknowingly carrying along with me all day. Is there any hope that someday I'll find a hundred dollar bill in there? Let me take this opportunity to announce that this daddy happily accepts gratuities.

4-18-12

The definition of fatherhood: Standing in the front yard in your pajamas with your 1-year-old son, both waving excitedly at the trash truck as it drives by, and not feeling even a little strange about it.

4-15-12

My 1-year-old son has just discovered the joy of pockets. Unfortunately most of his pants don't actually have pockets so when it comes time to change his diaper we usually find several matchbox cars, his toothbrush, some ricecake with jelly, other random toys and a couple wipees crammed down there -- the latter of which is actually quite handy.

4-8-12

I fully realize that it was my mistake to leave my glass of water and a double-A battery momentarily unattended as well as somehow (?) drinking a full half of it's contents before realizing the two had become one. Apparently with my 1-year-old son now in my life, the glass is not only half full, but it also has a battery in it. And yes, while it's true that there's been numerous times that I've considered downing an energy drink to keep up with my two crazy kids, this isn't exactly what I had in mind.

3-31-12

I love being able to tell what my 1-year-old has recently had to eat by simply looking at my dog's back. The best part is when I make the mistake of not looking first before petting (my dog) and find out that way. Ew ... I hope that's apple sauce.

3-25-12

We watched a movie this morning and, despite the fact that it's been raining out all morning, my wife and I decided to be mean and tell the kids no more movies today. After much whining and complaining, about 20 minutes later, I walked in to see this (see photo) and I asked, "What are you guys doing?" My 6-year-old daughter yelled back, "Shhhh, Daddy! We're watching the show!" to which I inquired, "Oh really? What's it about?" She simply replied, "Rain." I then commented, "Oh, cool!" and then asked, "Is it a good show?" Her response, "No, not really." They sat there for 10 more minutes.

3-25-12

Late Sunday morning and my son is already half in the bag. Paper grocery bag. On his head. Wandering around, bumping into things and giggling.

3-20-12

My daughter wrote, "I love you" in the condensation on my car window this morning. When I first saw it, it made me smile and feel all warm inside. Then I thought ... what if it wasn't my daughter that wrote this on my car window, what if it was one of my crazed stalker fans? Then I thought, I don't have any crazed stalker fans. Or fans. Who do I think I am, Ricky Martin?! Whew, that was close.

3-18-12

An open letter to both my darling children (ages 6 and 1): While I understand the importance of having screaming contests, I must question the need to conduct them at 5:30 am or, more importantly, within a 50-mile radius of my bed. Signed, Your Loving Father. P.S. Though I do not claim to be an expert in such things, if I could humbly offer a layman's observation, I would say that you are both clearly equally matched in such skills, at least until puberty hits.

3-11-12

Get me Bill and Ted -- I need them to get in their time traveling phone booth, grab that jerk Benjamin Franklin (for coming up with daylight savings and robbing us all of an hour of sleep again last night) and bring him here so I can make him babysit my kids while I take a nice long nap.

3-4-12

It just occurred to me that, thanks to the endless amount of pop culture that clogs my brain, my 6-year-old daughter must think I'm already senile because every time my 1-year-old son shouts out a barrage of gibberish (which he is prone to do quite often) my gut reaction is to always quickly retort, "Whatch-you-talkin-bout, Willis?!" Not helping my situation is my reply to my barking dog: "What?! In English, please! You know I don't speak Spanish!"

3-4-12

So my 1-year-old son has taken it upon himself to be the family's official dog spotter. Anytime and anywhere (in real life, TV, movies, books -- anywhere) he sees a dog he excitedly and repeatedly will point it out by yelling "Dog! Dog! Dog!" and will continue to do so until you acknowledge it. I'm tempted to put on the end of the movie 101 Dalmatians -- his head will explode.

3-4-12

It's 10:30 am. My 6-year-old daughter is watching "Lady and the Tramp" and I'm in the kitchen making some pasta at her request, inspired, of course, by the classic scene behind the Italian restaurant. At this moment in time I can't tell if that makes me a really cool dad or a complete sucker on a very slippery slope. Only time will tell.

2-28-12

Should I be concerned that when I grabbed my toothbrush this morning to brush my teeth, it was already wet?

2-27-12

So upon examining my hairbrush this morning I'd like to pose the question: Why, out of all the multitude of brushes in our house, my 6-year-old daughter chose mine to brush her curly, purple haired doll's hair with last night? That said, to answer a related question that anyone who sees me today might have if any said strands have made their way into my own hair: No, I am not trying out a new highlighted look.

2-26-12

The best part about watching the Oscars so far? Watching my 1-year-old son politely clap for all the winners.

2-11-12

My poor wife. She's truly an amazing mother, but I wonder if she realizes that, since the births of our 2 crazy kids, approximately 90% of what comes out of her mouth these days seems to be made up of the two, oft repeated, key phrases. They are: "What are you doing?!?!?!" and "Are you kidding me?!?!?!" It's like the kids have quotas to fill or something. I'm convinced that long ago they had a top secret meeting on it and agreed that they cannot go to bed each day until they've heard those phrases from their mother at least 10 times each and everything they do during the course of the day is driven by that goal.

2-9-12

I sure hope toys don't actually come alive when you leave the room like they do in the Toy Story movies because if they do, I owe the Barbies that my daughter left in the tub from the night before a huge apology since I did not remove them before stepping into the shower this morning and the "view" that they were treated to more than likely scarred them for life. Do they make a Barbie or Ken psychiatrist doll? If so, that may have to be our next toy purchase.

2-8-12

An open letter to my son (who is only 1 year old and cannot read): I understand that it is exciting when the trash truck drives by on Wednesday mornings and that you feel compelled to rush outside and wave at it as it does, but I think throwing it kisses may be just a bit over the top.

2-8-12

Last night I dreamt about unicorns and mermaids. Good lord, someone help me -- my daughter's play world has invaded my dream world.

2-7-12

So Saturday night is "Family Movie Night" in our house and when my 6-year-old daughter chose "Barbie in the Nutcracker" tonight I asked her to pick something else because that one was a bit too "girlie" for me. She then tried to convince me by saying that there were lots of boys in it, too. No, Zoey, I don't watch movies for the amount of boys that are in it. That's not what I meant by "too girlie."

1-30-12

So I wonder if any other dads out there are as blessed as I am to have a 6-year-old daughter who is relentless in her efforts to make her dad look "pretty". Not a day goes by without her offering to paint my fingernails, put a bow in my hair, wrap a pink fuzzy boa around my neck or put some sort of girlie, glittery, flowery butterfly sticker on my shirt and/or coat. One of these days she's either going to do it without me noticing or I'll indulge her just to be nice and I'll forget and leave the house that way. That said, please consider this status as a disclaimer, my friends, because the odds are not in my favor ... it's clearly only a matter of time.

1-29-12

It used to make me feel special to see the excitement in my 1-year-old son's eyes upon my arrival home until I realized he reacts pretty much the same way when he sees the banana display at the grocery store.

1-22-12

My 6-year-old daughter's latest obsession is watching episodes of the live action Wonder Woman show from the late '70s on DVD. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before she cracks her head on the dining room table while re-enacting Wonder Woman's act of spinning to change into her costume which, if I'm not mistaken, was a rite of passage for girls growing up during that era.

1-22-12

Another one of my 1-year-old son's favorite hobbies ... flipping over the dog's water dish. I've actually only seen him do it once, but every single time I go into the kitchen it's already been flipped over. He's like some kind of water liberating ninja. The best is when I walk into the darkened kitchen in the middle of he night to get a cup of water and step into the puddle. It irritates me to no end. As a result I've been forced to deduct cuteness points every time it happens. At this point he's in the hole ... by a lot.

1-22-12

I wish I could get half as excited about something as my 1-year-old does when he sees the banana display at the grocery store. Good lord, you'd think the kid discovered gold or something ... squealing and hopping up and down, pointing vigorously and ooo-ooo-ing like a monkey.

1-22-12

I was amazed today when I witnessed my 1-year-old son spill his cup of water on the hardwood floor and then, without even being asked to do so, he walked into the kitchen, opened the dish towel drawer and then walked back to the spill and attempted to wipe it up. I say "attempted" because he was using the shelf paper from the drawer instead of an actual towel, but hey -- you gotta give the kid an "E" for effort, right?

1-14-12

One of these days, just for fun I'm gonna spend the entire day talking to my kids the way that grown-ups sound in a Peanuts cartoon.

1-14-12

Now there's some irony ... my daughter singing (at the top of her lungs, of course) the classic kid tune "No More Monkeys Jumping on the Bed" whilst, naturally, jumping on her bed.

1-14-12

Early mornings in my house is very much like trying to sleep in the middle of a construction site where two escaped howler monkeys are wrecking havoc and, on really special mornings, ABBA or Alvin and the Chipmunks will suddenly show up and put on a surprise concert.

1-4-12

Christmas may be over, but I still feel like Scrooge every single morning. For the last few months, in the wee hours of the morning, I am visited by what I like to call the "Three Ghosts of Not Letting Me Sleep In Like I Like To". At 4:00 am comes the first one, a four-legged fuzzball who whines at me because he needs to go to the bathroom. Then, an hour later, comes the little blonde-haired girl who gently kisses me on the forehead right before she savagely rips off my covers. She then jumps on me, kneeing me in the groin in the process. Finally, an hour after that, comes the last one: a drunken midget who wanders in talking gibberish and then head butts me as he attempts to give me his version of a hug.

1-2-12

I probably should have done this before the holidays, but here's a word of warning to all friends and family members who have yet to experience getting a hug from my 6-year-old daughter: She may weigh less than 40 lbs., but don't let her petite size fool you ... if she commits to giving you a hug you'd better hunker down and plant yourself because believe me when I say that this is a girl who hugs with vigor. God help you if she has a running start.

12-29-11

As we were boarding our plane last night, my 6-year-old daughter asked me why there was a curtain after the first several rows of seats and I told her it's because the people sitting in that area were going to put on a show for the rest of us during the flight. I'm not sure if she bought it, but I think I gave more than a few people in business class a momentary case of performance anxiety.

12-22-11

So while getting his diaper changed, my 1-year-old son made a naked escape, immediately (and ironically) ran over to our Wii Fit balance board and peed on it. In his honor, we have officially redubbed it the Wii-Wii.

12-21-11

A word of warning to anyone we visit while back in WI the next several days ... if you have no immediately accessible toys around, be prepared for my daughter to quickly and easily turn any of your personal items within her reach into playthings. I'm not kidding ... just as an example I've witnessed my daughter's limitless imagination turn a salt and pepper shaker into makeshift dolls and even once had her own feet talking to each other.

12-8-11

When my wife asked me to give the 1-year-old a bath, I picked him up and turned him upside down. She asked me what I was doing and told her I was looking to see if he was dishwasher safe.

11-24-11 — Overhead today ...

WIFE: Stop! What are you doing?!

6-YEAR-OLD: Putting it on the stuffing.

WIFE: You don't put Cool Whip on stuffing.

6-YEAR-OLD: Why?

Happy Turkey Day everyone!

11-22-11

Wanna know a great way to start the day? Just had a spontaneous, L.A.-style miniature snowball fight with the family after scraping the ice (yes, I said ice) off the back car window.

11-12-11

Parenting 101 pop quiz: Your 1-year-old son is playing on the treadmill and somehow manages to get his butt stuck between it and the wall. Do you ... A) Rush to his rescue and immediately dislodge him — or — B) Laugh to yourself, grab a camera, take several photos from different angles and then, after all that, help him? And then quickly post them on Facebook. I think the answer is obvious.

11-9-11

I forget which stand-up comedian said it, but it's nevertheless true ... living with a toddler is like having a drunken midget in the house.

11-3-11

The definition of being a good parent: Resisting the urge to say "chicken butt" every time your kid says, "Guess what?" I'm about 50/50 with that one.

10-9-11

Before leaving for a family walk today, my 6-year-old daughter quickly donned a pink ballerina unitard and tutu and handed me a boom box. She turned on the radio, cranked it and insisted I carry it the whole way so she could have music for her "ballet-walk." I've never actually been to the ballet, but I'm pretty sure there's never been one choreographed to the musical stylings of Bon Jovi.

9-24-11

To encourage our 6-year-old to get into the car and get her seatbelt buckled quickly we came up with the brilliant idea to make it into a family race. After months of this mostly successful method I just only now realized how bad it sounds to the neighbors that all this time I've been yelling, "Hurry up and get in the car or I'm gonna beat you!"

9-12-11

I'm not sure why we're wasting so much money on baby food when the one-year-old is more than content to just eat dirt from the yard.

9-11-11

My 6-year-old daughter told me today that she likes going to the movie theater and the book theater, too. It took me a moment to realize she meant the library. Duh!

9-10-11

My daughter has taught me yet another lesson in parenting. Today while I was preoccupied with something on my laptop, she came in and slapped a temporary tattoo on my wrist along with a wet washrag and counted to 20. I remained preoccupied until she peeled off the backing to reveal a tattoo reading, in big pink letters, "PIRATE GIRL!" I am now thankful for 2 things — #1 being that it's temporary and #2 that I didn't let her put it on my forehead like she originally wanted to.

9-5-11

So while at a local eatery today (at a table close to the door) my lovely daughter let out a gigantic belch just as a little boy and his parents were walking in. She then giggled and yelled out, "Woah, that was a daddy burp!" I quickly apologized (they fortunately didn't seem offended) and had her excuse herself. A few minutes later the little boy wandered over to our table, smiled sheepishly at Zoey and then ran back to his parents. I think he was in love. The Larson charm strikes again.

8-19-11

Hmmm ... so why is it my daughter is the only student who has "duct tape" listed on her school supply list that was sent from her school? Apparently her reputation has proceeded her.

8-18-11

So last night I woke up in the middle of the night and had to pee. I stumbled to the bathroom and paused a moment as my groggy mind considered closing and locking the door since my daughter has a habit of barging through them without so much as a knock. I thought, "Nah, it's 3 a.m. and she's asleep ... i'm sure I'll be fine." Not ten seconds into my bladder evacuation I heard a loud gasp followed by, "THAT'S HOW YOU PEE?! YOU HOLD YOUR PENIS?!" Yes, Zoey, but I normally don't do it all over the wall.

8-14-11

I love that when my daughter requests me to play a song in the car (via my iPhone), she asks for it by saying not just the title, but practically the entire lyrics. For example: "Dad! Can you play jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh, jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh, hey! Can you play that?"

8-12-11

My daughter just referred to our backyard as "the dog's bathroom". As in, "I want to go play in Wile E.'s bathroom." That reminds me that I really need to mow his toilet this weekend.

7-18-11

My wake up call this morning consisted of my 6-year-old daughter blaring Christmas music in her room and merrily singing along as loud as she possibly could (which I'm pretty sure is about 10 times louder than any other human being on the surface of the planet). Christmas in July has arrived in the Larson household. Happy holidays, everyone.

7-17-11

While playing Barbies with my daughter this morning, the following conversation took place ...

ZOEY (as Barbie): Good morning, my hon'.

ME (as Ken): Good morning, Barbie.

ZOEY (as Barbie): Did you enjoy all the kissing last night?

ME (as Ken): Uhh …

7-5-11

So, while at Disneyland on day 1 of 3, Zoey saw a pair of princess-themed Mickey Mouse ears that she told us she reeeeealllly wanted. We told her we'd think about it and then bought them when she wasn't looking. That night at the hotel, I put them out for her to find as a surprise in the morning, but she got up in the middle of the night to get a tissue and found them. I happened to be awake when she did and was amazed to see her not say a word, but simply put the ears on and then got back into bed. Crazy girl.

7-3-11

My son Riley got some Cars 2 bath toys for an early 1st birthday present and his big sister has already absconded with the one she calls "Lightning the Queen".

7-2-11

While sitting in the backseat of the car, my daughter shouts out (in one breath), "Daddy let's play hide-and-go-seek you hide and I'll count 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 ready or not here I come I found yah ha ha!" Man, I suck at that game.

6-24-11

This morning I introduced my 6-year-old daughter to one of life's simple pleasures ... the whoopie cushion.

6-19-11

I just accidentally introduced texting to my 5 year old daughter ... dear god what have I done?!

6-19-11

While streaming the original Benji movie via Netflix this morning, my daughter was perplexed that Benji didn't talk and I had to explain to her that, in the 70s, dogs couldn't talk.

5-29-11

While getting dressed this morning (and before putting in my contacts) I pulled what I believed to be a pair of boxer shorts out of my dresser drawer only to find, upon putting them on, it was actually one of 5-year-old daughter's skirts. Hardly interchangeable items of clothing to say the least.

5-21-11

After 10 plus months of observing his fellow family members and carefully weighing the options, my 10-month-old son has clearly chosen the family member he has deemed most worthy of acting as his official role model. His choice? The dog.

5-20-11

My 5-year-old daughter presented me with a blue play doh "hamburger" that she made me for breakfast and happily informed me that "it has lot's of Spongebob on it, just like you like!" Apparently she's still sticking with her theory that Spongebob is, in fact, "a cheese".

5-18-11

I raised an eyebrow this morning when I heard my 5-year-old daughter say "last night I hooked up". Turns out she just meant she had the hiccups in the middle of the night.

5-3-11

I know I'm loved. Just this morning as I was walking to the breakfast table a little late my daughter greeted me with a smile and offered me one of her apple slices. I happily accepted and as I was popping it in my mouth she said, "I licked it clean for you." How thoughtful.

5-2-11

I just found out what my 5-year-old daughter wants to get me for father's day this year ... a Barbie. She said so I can have my own doll when playing Barbies with her. How thoughtful.

4-2-11

I love to give my infant a straw to play with because it's fun to wait for the inevitable thick string of drool that will eventually pour out of the opposite end.

4-2-11

I just walked into a room where my 8-month-old son Riley was sitting and he looked at me and said, clear as day, "Hi Daddy". I'm now 2 for 2 with both my kids' first words!

3-28-11

I need to seriously work on getting my 5-year-old daughter to grasp the extremely important concept of joke telling. When I told her the classic, kid-friendly "Why is 6 afraid of 7?" joke this weekend and then gave her the punchline "Because 7 ate 9" she didn't even crack a smile, but enthusiastically responded "Ten!". Well, at least the kid can count.

3-19-11

I was pretty impressed with myself for mystifying my 5-year-old daughter with the old detachable thumb trick until she busted my chops by yelling, "Now do it to your toe!"

3-18-11

Just minutes ago, my 8-month-old son Riley officially crawled for the very first time. The object that enticed him to do so? His mommy's iPhone. No joke.

2-27-11

I believe in my heart that if I can make my daughter, my son and my wife laugh, or at the very least smile, at least once a day, every day, for however many days I have left in my life, then in the end, my life will have been worth living.

2-12-11

I would like to thank my 5-year-old daughter for teaching my 7-month-old son to squeal like a banshee, but she's not old enough to understand sarcasm yet.

2-12-11

Wondering who's annoying car alarm is going off ... oh wait ... that's the baby crying.

2-5-11

I love that when my 5-year-old daughter refers to her own mouth she, in all sincerity, calls it her "pie hole". Hmmm ... I wonder where she learned that term.

2-4-11

I feel the need to explain why he has glitter on the seat of my pants.

1-30-11

I've been told that the baby needs a bath and am now turning him over to see if he's dishwasher safe.

1-8-11

My 5-year-old daughter has a message for Hollywood: She does not like 3D movies and would very much prefer to watch a movie in "regular D".

12-27-10

My 5-year-old daughter was playing with her grandma's letter blocks that spell out Merry Christmas, forming words with them and brought over (no joke) the letters A-S-S and asked my what that spells. Ummmmm ....

12-19-10

Not an hour out of the box and Rapunzel is already completely naked. This proves it ... my daughter runs a doll nudist colony.

12-9-10

Santa Zoey hops into her Christmas tree box sleigh and calls to her "reindeer" by name, "On Oscar, on Pongo, on ... um ... Giraffe! Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!"

12-3-10

My 5-year-old daughter is bustin' my chops. She asked me why she has to write Santa a letter when she already told him what she wants at the mall. My response: Santa's really old -- he forgets things ... just like daddy. She bought it.

11-26-10

I love that, while playing hiding and seek with my 5-year-old daughter, she giggles from her hiding spot every time I say "Where is that Zoey?!"

11-20-10

I was finishing up shaving his face this morning when my 5-year-old daughter came into the bathroom and looked me over, then told me I did a good job and handed me my old bowling trophy.

11-19-10

My 5-year-old daughter told me that all her Barbies were hookers. I asked, "Oh yeah? Hmm... what makes you say that?" and she replied, "Because you can hook their arms together ... see, they're hooker girls."

11-14-10

I was sitting in our backyard today with my 4 month old son Riley on my lap and gave him the talk. Well, not "that" talk ... the talk that goes, "Look around you son ... if you play your cards right, some day everything you see here will be yours." He didn't seem all that impressed.

10-25-10

I was not aware that I live on a farm until very early this morning (we're talking pre-dawn) when I was awakened by a 5-year-old, blonde-haired rooster crowing at the top of her lungs from another room. Despite the fact that I am NOT a morning person, I did actually find the first couple of crows kind of cute, but by the 27th in a row I was very much ready to find a shoe to throw at her.

10-1-10

I overheard my 5-year-old daughter yell at her mother this morning for leaving the light on and wasting "e-trickily".

9-14-10

I would have appreciated it if all those books on being a father would have suggested buying a cup. I've been accidentally (assumedly) kicked, punched and kneed in the groin more times in the last five years than I have my entire life. If all the incidents were recorded, you could fill an entire episode of America's Funniest Home Videos.

9-12-10

I love that my 5-year-old daughter hums loudly along with the THX logo when she sees it.

9-4-10

Watching my 5 year old daughter dipping her grapes in gravy and enthusiastically eating them.

8-25-10

Wondering if I've been working too many late nights lately -- my 5 year old daughter non-sarcastically asked him on the phone at work today if he was going to "visit again soon".

8-10-10

Attempting to write a new status update on Facebook, but my 5-year-old daughter is sitting on my lap, facing me, coming my hair completely flat with a comb and telling me she's giving me "handsome hair". She's also telling me that the hair in my Facebook profile pic is not handsome and is, in fact, "old daddy hair".

8-8-10

I overheard my 5 year old daughter "teaching" her little, 1 month old brother the blocking techniques she learned in karate class; ironic since the only thing he would need to block at his age is her from smothering him with kisses.

8-2-10

I'm very impressed with the new fashion style that my 5-year-old daughter Zoey just invented completely on her own today that involves wearing your underwear as a top (head and left arm in one leg hole, right arm in the other leg hole). She has dubbed it the Undie-Shirt™. It's gonna be all the rage -- just wait and see. You heard it here first.

7-26-10

I overheard my wife saying to my 5-year-old daughter this morning: "Zoey, stop licking your brother!"

7-23-10

I'm very disappointed to learn my 2 week old son has absolutely no sense of humor whatsoever. I've been cracking jokes all day long and this kid just gives me a blank expression every single time. Even with my "A" material.

7-21-10

I went to my 5-year-old daughter's karate class tonight and am totally thinking of signing up because I would SO dominate in there.

7-21-10

My five-year-old daughter currently has 2 music obsessions: ABBA and Alvin and the Chipmunks. Wait till I tell her that the Chipmunks once covered "Take a Chance on Me" -- it'll blow her tiny mind.

7-19-10

In our house, when Mom cleans the kids' faces, she uses soap and water; when Dad cleans the kids' faces, he uses the clone tool in Photoshop.

7-18-10

I just realized that I'm now finally legitimately worthy of winning a "Family 4-Pack of Tickets" in radio contests.

7-11-10

I'm now officially a dad to the power of 2. Yikes!

7-2-10

I'd like to procure a cheap copy of Photoshop CS4 or 5 and am wondering if Adobe will give me the majorly discounted student version when my daughter starts kindergarten this fall.

6-19-10

I'm celebrating my daughter's 5th birthday* today. I don't think she's stopped talking about it since she first woke me up this morning with an extra loud "Good Mornin' Daddy!" and a swift knee to the groin.

6-14-10

I have, with only one month and two days left to go, finally left my comfortable state of denial about having a second child and have officially entered into what I would like to refer to as a "OH MY FREAKING GOD HOW THE HECK DID MY WIFE TALK ME INTO HAVING A SECOND CHILD AM I OUT OF MY FREAKING MIND?!" state. The uncontrollable twitching and "deer in the headlights" expression is completely normal.

6-2-10

Thinking baby names ... how about the name Sky, but to be different, spell it with an "i" instead of a "y"?

5-30-10

I'd like to know why every single time I do sit-ups or crunches my daughter tries to jump on my belly and my dog tries to lick my face ... do they think I'm doing all this for me health?!

5-28-10

My four year old picked out my clothes this morning and then gave me an invaluable fashion tip: Don't forget to wear pants, Daddy.

5-24-10

My four-year-old is now taking karate classes ... god help us all. Still, there's not much cuter than hearing that voice of hers yell "hi-ya!"

4-19-10

I showered this morning with 3 incredibly hot blonde women. Granted, they were only a foot tall, made of plastic and were left there from my daughter's bath the night before, but hey, you take what you can in life, right?

4-17-10

My 4 year old demanded to listen to her music and when I asked her "what's the magic word" she replied, "Bippity Boppity Boo".

12-30-09

Writing an open letter to my unborn child: enjoy your time in the womb because once you are out, I'm going to have no qualms in using you as a buffer between me and my current daughter so I can take a break from being dressed up like a princess every single morning.

12-29-09

I just got back to LA and I don't think I was missed at all ... no crowd to meet me at the airport ... no ticker-tape parade ... just a bus ride back home with this little chatterbox blonde girl jibber jabbering at me the whole way home . Oh wait, that's my daughter.

12-13-09

Opening the pretend presents my daughter is giving me as she practices her wrapping skills. So far I got a used, empty packing envelope and a napkin.

12-11-09

I'm really proud of my daughter Zoey -- thanks to her super cute rendition of Jingle Bells on the Mark and Brian radio show this morning we're going to Disneyland for free this year! Woo-hoo!

12-01-09

I walked around all day with 4 Tinkerbell stickers unknowingly stuck to the back of my shirt. Thanks Zoey.

11-22-09

I'm thankful for my 4-year-old daughter who, while walking into the library the other day, cheerfully (and loudly) reminded me multiple times that I have a penis.

10-18-09

I woke up this morning with a doll shoved next to my head. My daughter must have thought I looked lonely sleeping in bed this morning and needed a cuddle buddy.

10-16-09

My 4-year-old daughter has declared her favorite color is brownie (whilst licking a spatula with brownie batter on it).

10-6-09

I witnessed my 4-year-old daughter mimicking me by tucking in her shirt just like I did seconds before ... dear god, poor girl if she's already taking after me! Is there hope for her?!

9-28-09

My 4 year old daughter insists that "Spongebob is a cheese". I cannot convince her otherwise.

7-26-09

My 4-year-old daughter isn't feeling well. She looked up at me with a sad face and asked me to pick her up. I did, and then she smiled, looked deeply into my eyes and said, "Dad ... you're a big dork."

6-22-09

I've just been informed by my 4-year-old daughter that I've got hair on my nipples.

6-20-09

I'm celebrating my daughter Zoey's 4th birthday today ... actually, I'm celebrating 4 years of survival as her dad!

1-9-09

I'm having a blast watching The Three Stooges with my 3-year-old daughter, but at the same time I'm starting to seriously question my parenting skills.

Woah ... you made it to the end?! That or you cheated and scrolled here. Either way is cool with me. :)

Life is Funny ...

Sunday, January 25, 2015

The 9-Year-Old's New Addiction

The Masterful Problem Solving Skills of a 4-Year-Old

Sunday, January 4, 2015

Parenting Tip #172: Using Their Toys Against Them

Friday, January 2, 2015

The Facebook Archives Vol. 1 — Kids are Funny

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