Tool

My 5-year-old asked me to help him with a project in the back yard by saying that I'm, I kid you not, a "big tool."

Raisins

Unearthed these guys today ... apparently I was a bit of a collector back in the day. Good thing I kept them because they're worth about 5¢ each on eBay now. That said, I decided to not retire and insead chose to secretly set them up on a shelf in my 5-year-old's room. I can't wait to hear him ask me why I gave him all these pieces of poop with arms and legs.

Snuggle

The 5-year-old coming in to snuggle with you = heartwarming and endearing.

The 5-year-old coming in to snuggle with you at 3:00 a.m. and then proceeding to flop like a fish next to you for the next 20 minutes so you can't fall back to sleep and then, when there's absolutely no chance you'll fall asleep again, gets up and states loudly, "I'm done snuggling with you," before leaving you to lay there and stare at the ceiling for the next 3.5 hours until you finally fall asleep just minutes before your alarm goes off and then you crawl out of bed to get ready for work all grumpy and with bags under your eyes = not nearly as heartwarming and endearing.

Roller Coaster

My 5-year-old said he drew me a picture and handed me this. "It's a roller coaster," he said. Yeah, I'm not riding that.

Asked and Answered (sort of)

Whenever my kids ask me for something that I just overheard them unsuccessfully asking their mom for, I like to answer in the form of interpretive dance until they get bored and walk away. Truth be told, a lot of times they give up before I even get the unitard all the way on.

Thoughtful

My kids are so thoughtful. They heard I needed to be up by 9:00 AM this morning (hey, I was up late last night) so they took it upon themselves to alternatingly come in every 15-20 minutes to wake me up and remind me to be up by then, obviously operating under the ingenious theory that you can't oversleep if you're not sleeping in the first place. So very courteous of them.

Jim

My kids climb on me so much I'm seriously considering changing my name to Jim. As in Jungle.

Texts

So either the 5-year-old has my wife's phone or she's having some kind of stroke.

Business

So we were at Five Guys today eating lunch when my 5-year-old suddenly gets up and walks over to a girl sitting by herself. He talked to her for a solid minute as we watched, very curious as to what he was up to. When he eventually strolled back, I asked him what he said to her and he said, I kid you not, that it was none of my business. That night, after he went to bed, I seriously considered checking his shorts pockets for a phone number.

Saturday Morning

Saturday morning at my house entails watching my two kids standing not 4 feet apart, communicating with each other by yelling at the top of their lungs into their walkie-talkies.