Extra Hole

My son is at that perfect age where, to whomever is folding clothes (myself included), his t-shirts sometimes get confused with being my underwear and then there are some mornings where I'm just tired enough not to realize this until they're halfway on and only then notice that there's one extra hole.

Doggy Dance Lessons

My kids are funny. For some reason they think they can train our dog to dance ... and they always seem to do it when they're eating. I keep hearing them yelling at him to "Get down!" Personally I think they'd be more successful if they were more specific. They instead should try yelling, "Tango!" or "Cha-Cha!"

Socks

THE 12-YEAR-OLD: Dad! Can you go in my room and get me some socks?!

ME: Heck no, i won't get you socks ... your room is a disaster. I go in there and I'm liable to trip and fall on all the junk on your floor and then I'll probably break my arm or wrists or something and I won't be able to do my job and then they'll fire me and we won't be able to pay the mortgage on our house and we'll get kicked out and then we'll have to live in our car ... but then a lot of celebrities say that they were living in their car right before they were discovered and became rich and famous so what color socks did you want?

Bilingual

ME: So, you want to hear a story before bed tonight?
THE 7-YEAR-OLD: [fart]
ME: Excuse me?
THE 7-YEAR OLD: That's 'yes' in Fart Language. [giggles]

Only 7 years old and already bilingual. We're so proud.

More Irony

Irony is my 12-year-old daughter schooling me on table manners while we were out to eat tonight and then her burping loudly immediately after.

Newspapers

THE 7-YEAR-OLD: I need to get some newspapers to read.
ME: Newspapers?! Since when have you been into reading newspapers?
THE 7-YEAR-OLD: Wednesday.

Father's Day Gift Prep

Overheard this morning ...

WIFE: What are you doing?

12-YEAR-OLD: I’m making something for Dad for Father’s Day. I need a word that starts with “i”. What does ignorant mean?