And Now For My 2nd Blog ... Watch Me Pull a Rabbit Out of My Hat!
I'm cheating with this second blog post. I admit it. Only 2 posts in and I'm doing what would be called in the sitcom world as a "clip show".
What follows isn't something I expect everyone (or anyone) to read in full because it's reeaaaaalllly long. I mean, I'm shocked that Blogger is even allowing me to include it all in one post, it's so long. I considered breaking it up, having like a weekly "Flashback" feature or something like that, but then decided ... nah.
What follows are all, yes ALL, of my previous kid-related posts from Facebook, starting from the most recent (which was just a few days ago) and dating all the way back to January 9, 2009, when my daughter was just 4 and my son hadn't even been born yet. I wanted to include them here for 2 reasons. #1: In case Facebook eventually goes away, I wanted to make sure I had some sort of additional online archive of them. #2: For anyone who's not familiar with my kid-related Facebook posts, you can get a good sample of them right here. These are the status updates that I would get the most positive responses on and that the aforementioned (in yesterday's post) 7-8 people would most often reference when they said I should start a blog.
So that all said, here we go, kids ...
12-27-14
Went to Party City today to pick up some noisemakers for New Year's Eve. Then realized, wait — I've already got 2.
12-26-14
I
constantly get requests from my 2 kids to play with their toys with
them. I'm not sure why because when I do I usually frustrate them by
making their toys do goofy things and talk in goofy voices (mostly
for my own amusement). While playing with the 4-year-old with his new
Transformer Rescuebot toys today he finally had enough and screamed,
"DAD STOP FARTING AROUND!!!" I don't recall ever using that
phrase around him. I suspect one or both of the Grandpas (Grandpi?)
may be to blame for that one.
12-25-14
I think
Christmas was a success! Both the 9-year-old and the 4-year-old
yelled "BEST CHRISTMAS EVER!" at the top of the lungs
multiple times this morning. Granted, the 4-year-old is going through
a phase where he copies everything his sister says and I'm pretty
sure he doesn't remember any of his previous Christmases, but hey —
I'm still counting it!
12-24-14
Time to
settle in for a "long winter's nap" ... that is until my
kids come screaming into the room at the butt crack of dawn and jump
on my belly and knee me in the groin. Merry Christmas Eve Facebook
family and friends!
10-3-14
As much
as my kids drive me crazy (I believe whole-heartedly that they've
been fully licensed to do so by some evil organization somewhere),
they do occasionally offer, in trade, moments of unexpected (often
unintended) and much appreciated humor. For example, the other day I
woke up with a headache. No, that's not the funny part. On the way to
the car to leave for work/school, both my kids were yelling at each
other directly in front of me (as they, being the siblings that they
are, are known to do sometimes). Gritting my teeth, I suddenly looked
down at the banana in my hand and, in an act of sheer desperation, I
found myself making a phone ringing noise and raising up my finger to
them — you know, the international gesture for "Shut up, I'm
on the phone!" And they ACTUALLY DID! Realizing that I had
struck gold (of the "silence" variety), I proceeded to
follow through with my ruse by raising the banana to my ear and begin
a brief conversation (though probably not brief enough for someone
who's talking into a banana in their driveway), "Uh-huh ...
okay, yeah ... uh-huh ... no ... I don't know ... uh-uh ... okay,
sure ... yeah ..." while they stood there, quietly staring at
me, the WHOLE TIME. Quickly realizing the gambit couldn't last much
longer (and that I was in my driveway talking into a banana) I
wrapped up my imaginary conversation, "Okay, yeah ... that
sounds good ... okay ... bye." My 9-year-old, with complete
seriousness and an ever so slight scowl on her face, then looked at
me and said, "So who was that?"
9-27-14
Just got
back from seeing The Box Trolls. I asked my 4-year-old if he liked it
and he said, "Yeah! Some parts were scary. Some parts were
boring. Some parts were awesome. Some parts were dumb." Clearly
the boy has a future as a film critic.
9-20-14
Currently
one of my favorite hobbies is to work popular movie quotes into my
4-year-old's vocabulary and then have him use them on his
unsuspecting mother at random times. Today I told him to run into the
room she was in and yell at her, "You can't handle the truth!" And he did it. Good times.
9-13-14
This
morning my wife made mini-pancakes for breakfast and I stealthily
added some chocolate chips to mine, hoping the kids wouldn't notice.
Of course they did and immediately started demanding some in their
own pancakes. Thinking fast, I told them they weren't chocolate chips
... but were, in fact, brownberries ... to which they scrunched up
their faces and walked away. Suckers.
9-6-14
I
just spent the better half of the afternoon trying to convince both
the 9-year-old and 4-year-old that there's such thing as the Dog Poop
Fairy and that they should go into the back yard and collect all the
dog poop into a special, Dog Poop Fairy approved bucket and then
leave it out for the Dog Poop Fairy overnight and she would come and
collect it and leave them money in it's place. They didn't buy it.
Can't blame a guy for trying though.
9-6-14
A lot of
things I overhear in my house seem to raise more questions than they
answer. For example, this morning I heard my daughter angrily yell,
"Arrrggh! I can't concentrate with all the loud farts!"
Yes, that's a pretty good example.
9-6-14
So the
other day I was in my closet, rummaging through a box of old toys of
mine that I had kept from childhood and my 4-year-old wandered in.
Just at that moment I found a small Star Wars spaceship and his face
lit up at the sight of it so I asked him if he'd like to have it. He
of course said yes and ran excitedly out of the room with it,
whooshing and pew-pewing as he went. Moments later, the 9-year-old
came in (word traveled fast) and she walked up to me and asked, "Do
you have any toys in there from the olden days for me?" Olden
days. This just in everyone ... the '80s have now officially been
declared "The Olden Days." Sorry.
8-31-14
Is
it wrong if I tell the 4-year-old that if he needs to fart he should
go stand by his mom because she likes it?
8-23-14
Special
thanks to my 4-year-old for the smile and chuckle he unknowingly gave
me today after I witnessed him in his room, alone, putting together
his wooden toy train tracks and actually belting out the song "I've
Been Working on the Railroad" while doing it.
8-19-14
My
kids are already expert physicists. Every single morning they
practice Newton's first law of motion whereas an object at rest (me
in bed) stays at rest until acted upon by an outside force (them
jumping on my belly and kneeing me in the groin). The result of this
law is quite often slightly altered though when said object grumpily
tells said outside forces to leave him alone and go play in their
rooms with other objects at rest (their toys). It's all very
scientific.
8-16-14
Okay
so my kids have both barged in on me in the bathroom so many times
now that I've actually become conditioned to automatically turn the
lock on the bathroom door as soon as I close it. I don't even realize
I'm doing it any more. I do it even if I'm home alone. It's gotten to
the point now where I've actually been finding myself doing it (still
without realizing it) with any door I close at home. That said, I
don't think the kids can rightfully get mad at me when I accidentally
(I swear) lock the back door on them when they're in the backyard.
Multiple times already. Accidentally. Honest.
Man,
do they hate that. I mean, like, reeeeeaaaally hate it.
8-7-14
My
son ... a ninja in the ancient art of nose-mining.
8-7-14
Quite
often I will find myself reading a book to my 4-year-old at bedtime
and it'll be one his mom has previously read to him and in the middle
he'll excitedly shout out the ending. Whenever this happens, I slam
the book shut, throw it down and yell, "HELLOOOOO?! SPOILER
ALERT?! COME ON, MAN!" and then stomp angrily out of the room.
'Cause like ... the kid's gotta learn, right?
8-3-14
Silly
kids think they can find me just by shouting out my name. Ha! I'm not
falling for that trick again.
8-3-14
So
my daughter turned 9-years-old recently and her doctor advised us
that it might be a good idea to slowly start talking about the "birds
and the bees" with her. Already?! Seriously?! Thankfully, my
wife has graciously decided to spearhead the whole thing and she's
been doing so over the course of the last week or so, utilizing some
kid-friendly books on the subject. What this means for me, though, is
that every single night when I get home from work, my daughter now
feels the need to enthusiastically share with me all the new things
she's learning while I awkwardly stand there and listen (fighting
back a horrified expression on my face) and punctuating every tidbit
with "but not for a long, long, long time from now,
riiiiiiight?!"
8-1-14
Upon seeing a picture of the Death Star … "That's
Darth Vader's house." — The 4-year-old.
8-1-14
My 9-year-old handed me a piece of dry, untoasted (and yes, gluten-free) bread as I was walking out the door to go to work this
morning, insisting that I needed to eat something for breakfast.
What, no water to go with it, warden?
7-27-14
Back
in the day I used to be able to look at the Box Office Top 10 from
week to week and could easily say I've seen at least 9 out 10 of the
movies on it. This morning I looked at it and can only say that I've
seen just one ... and it's freaking "Planes: Fire and Rescue."
And THAT, my friends, is parenthood.
7-27-14
So we
heard the 9-year-old giggling in our bedroom and she eventually came
out, still giggling, parading up to us with one of my wife's bras
over the top of her shirt. With a smirk, my wife asked her why she
was laughing. My daughter's response? "Boobs." Hard to
argue with that logic.
7-26-14
4-YEAR-OLD:
(wandering into the room) Hey, Dad.
ME: Hey, Big Guy, what's
up?
4-YEAR-OLD: Good.
ME: No, I asked you "what's up"
... not "how are you?"
4-YEAR-OLD: (leaving the room)
Good.
And
then I said a few other things to myself, apparently.
7-24-14
I love that every night when I get home from work the
4-year-old dutifully feels the need to fill me in on the highlights
of the day. He's like my own little personal spy. Apparently today's
excitement involved his mom having an "oopsident when she was
making dinner and the fire on the stove melted a lid and then she
said a word that means poop."
7-12-14
Overheard
this morning ...
THE
4-YEAR-OLD: (excitedly) I flushed the toilet with my foot! THAT. WAS.
AWESOME!
The
boy is clearly destined for great things.
6-22-14
Why is
it always that when one of my kids' birthday parties ends I'm always
left wandering around looking for the gift shop so I can buy one of
those "I survived another one my kid's birthday parties"
shirts?
6-14-14
I
decided to test the 8-year-old this morning and asked her what day it
was tomorrow. "Sunday," she said bluntly (as if to follow
it up with a "duh, dad"). "Hmm ... well, yeah, but
it's also a holiday ... something special." She thought about it
for a second and replied, "Flag day?" Yup
... Happy Flag Day, everyone — especially to all you FATHERS out
there!
5-24-14
I
finally (very reluctantly) decided to allow my kids to watch the Star
Wars prequel trilogy recently. Like most self-respecting nerds, I'm not much of a fan of them. Two movies in and my experience so
far? Let me just say that it's painful enough watching them without a
3-year-old continuously alternating between asking, "Are these
good guys or bad guys?" and "Where's Darth Vader?"
every 5 minutes. That said, I have to admit that him excitedly
yelling, "Hey! I know that guy!" every single time Yoda
appears has helped lighten my mood.
5-23-14
3-year-old
logic: One sock has Spider-man on it, the other has a spider on it,
therefore they match. Works for me.
5-20-14
Last
night while folding the laundry I came across no less than 4 Batman
capes. Now I know how Alfred Pennyworth feels. And no, they weren't
mine ... those are at the dry cleaners.
5-19-14
I
overheard my kids playing together the other day ...
8-YEAR-OLD:
We need some wood so we can make some Powerpuff Girls to play
with.
3-YEAR-OLD: (dutifully) Well ... we need some sugar and we
need some spice.
8-YEAR-OLD: (scoffs) No, Riley, not real Powerpuff
Girls ... we don't have any Chemical X.
3-YEAR-OLD: Oh.
I
can only imagine what these 2 would come up with if they actually did
have "Chemical X."
5-19-14
I
recently introduced Star Wars to my 3-year-old. For some reason,
every night for the last week or so when I say goodnight to him he
informs me, "Darth Vader makes bad choices." "Oh
yeah?" I always respond. "Yeah," he says and then
rolls over. Every night.
5-17-14
My
3-year-old excitedly woke me up at 6:30 AM this morning, which is
ironically the exact time my alarm clock is set for during the week,
to tell me I don't have to go to work today. "Thanks," I
grumbled, without opening my eyes. Ten minutes later the oh so
soothing sounds of our security system started blaring because
someone (my wife?) forgot to turn it off before opening the back
door. Ten minutes after that, our moose of a dog somehow breached the
gate that would normally prevent him from bursting into the master
bedroom, catapulting himself onto the bed and rambunctiously
trampling me for 20 fun-filled seconds before I was finally able to
chase him out. I now lie sleepless in bed, refusing to get up and
acknowledge that maybe the universe is actually trying to tell me
something and anxiously awaiting what the 8-year-old (now being the
last one in the house to weigh in) may have planned for me.
5-16-14
It was
bedtime for the 3-year-old and I asked him what book he'd like me to
read to him. He didn't pick one so I said, "How 'bout Green Eggs
and Ham?" To this suggestion (I kid you not) he immediately
responded, "No, I don't like Green Eggs and Ham." Of course
I couldn't resist but follow it up with, "Sam you am?" He
just looked at me like I was an idiot and answered, "No, I'm
Riley." Because of this, I resisted the urge to continue my line
of questioning by asking him if he'd be willing to hear me read it in
a box or with a fox or on a train or in the rain.
5-9-14
Sometimes
my kids make me feel like Richard Pryor's character in The Toy.
Seriously. Hollywood if you're thinking of remaking that movie (and
you know you are), feel free to contact me and my kids to serve as
consultants on it.
5-9-14
Ahhh
... the relaxing sounds of morning ... the birds chirping outside ...
a dog barking far off in the distance ... my 3-year-old yelling,
"MOM! WIPE MY BUTT!" from the bathroom.
5-3-14
Does
waiting in line by myself at the comic book store to buy my daughter
a My Little Pony comic book make me a good dad? Why yes. Yes it does.
5-3-14
Just
overheard ...
8-YEAR-OLD:
This looks perfect!
3-YEAR-OLD: This looks dangerous.
Now
wondering which one is more accurate.
5-3-14
6 AM
Saturday morning. I swear our kids' toys must be deaf 'cause all they
seem to do is yell at each other when my kids are playing with them.
"LEONARDOOOO! SAVE ME!!! HEY! WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!? I'M TRYING
TO DO MY NINJA STUFF ON THE BADGUY!!!!" Wait, aren't ninjas were
supposed to be silent?! Sheesh, why can't they pretend they're on an
adventure in a library for once?!
5-1-14
Well,
if there's anything I can say about my children it's that they're
definitely not paste-eaters. Boogers maybe, but never paste.
4-28-14
An open
letter of apology to my 3-year-old son who is not on Facebook and
can't read: I'm sorry that the rest of the family started giggling at
you recently after you abruptly interrupted yourself (while excitedly
telling us about how thrilled you were about your new toy) by
announcing, "OH, I GOTTA POOP!" and then how we laughed
even more after you frustratingly yelled, "IT'S NOT FUNNY!!!"
as you were hurriedly scampering off to the bathroom. But seriously,
it kinda was.
4-25-14
There
is nothing better than sleeping in, laying peacefully on my back in
bed, enjoying the silence and then the 3-year-old wanders quietly in
and uses my chest hair to help pull himself up onto the bed. And yes,
I know there's much worse places he could grab.
4-18-14
My
3-year-old's latest obsession (which I may or may not have had a hand
in propagating) is the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. For Easter I
decided to go to Target to get him two of the action figures and I
wound up coming back home with all 4 because they're brothers and it
felt really wrong leaving the other 2 behind. On a related note, I
think I may have a legitimate case against Pixar as those Toy Story
movies have obviously left me psychologically impaired in my
perception of the supposed feelings of inanimate objects.
4-13-14
Being a
parent is rough, I'm not gonna lie. And I say this knowing full well
that it's been my wife, to be completely fair and honest about it,
who has thus far, as a stay at home mom (i.e. insane), been subjected
to the brunt of it ... though at the same time this whole thing was
her idea in the first place, but I digress. I remember an old PSA
that had the slogan, "Being a parent is the toughest job you'll
ever love." Well, so far I definitely get the "toughest
job" part, but I'm still waiting for the "you'll ever love"
part to kick in, though I'm not really holding my breath for anything
soon. I guess down deep I'm hoping that it'll be after they've moved
out, have become rich and famous and support me in the lavish
lifestyle that I would like to become accustomed to. That all said, I
do have to admit that there is a smattering of things that I do enjoy
about being a parent and one of them is exposing my kids to the arts
... you know, the finer things in life. For example, just recently I
regaled my two youngsters with the tragic tale of a hapless young man
named Gilligan and his fellow seven, stranded castaways on a deserted
island that bared his namesake. I can't deny that it brought a tear
to my eye to see how enthralled they were with it. It's in these
fleeting yet treasured moments that I find parental peace.
4-13-14
They
were complaining about being bored so I told them if they go into the
back yard and look really, really close at the grass, they'll be able
to see it grow. They've been out there for 5 minutes already. Five gloriously wonderful minutes.
4-13-14
An open
apology letter to all the girls in my 8-year-old daughter's class,
whom my 3-year-old son insists on maniacally chasing around and
kissing repeatedly. It's just the ol' Larson charm ... he really
can't help himself. Not that it helps you now, but I promise to curb
his tendency to do this well before he gets to the age where it will
probably get him arrested.
4-4-14
Today,
April 4th, 2014, was a very momentous day in my life. After making a
joke in her presence, I received the very first (as far as I know
anyway) eye-roll from my 8-year-old daughter. I think I can safely
assume, based solely on my sense of humor, it will be the first of
many, many, many more to come.
4-2-14
My
8-year-old is pretty reserved in public, but there are a couple of
places where she has absolutely no problem with belting (and I mean
BELTING) out the lyrics of one of her favorite tunes, say, for
example, "Let it Go" from the movie Frozen. Seriously, what
this kid severely lacks in pitch, she more than makes up for in
sheer, tone-deaf infused volume. This one goes to 11, folks.
Strangely enough, one of the places she feels particularly
comfortable in doing so is in the car. One of my favorite things to
do when she's doing this is to pull up to a stoplight where the car next to us is blasting
their radio and wait to see who flinches first. While she may not
have the bass they have, 9 times out of 10 you can bet it's them who
are going to be rolling their windows up. Yes, my fellow motorist, I
believe that you are the one (as the kids say these days) who Just.
Got. Served.
3-22-14
It would
seem that my 3-year-old is developing some sort of alternate
language, somewhat based on what we call English. Tonight he looked
at me with a very serious expression and asked, "Dad, why you
always gotta get rid of your pokes every morning?" After only a
few minutes, I was able to decipher it. My Rileyese must be getting
better. I guess those Rosetta Stone CDs are finally paying off. (He meant shaving, by the way.)
3-20-14
The
3-year-old came bursting into my bedroom this morning as I was
putting on my shirt and the following conversation took place:
3-YEAR-OLD:
(pointing) Woah! What are those?!
ME: Uh .. those are
nipples.
3-YEAR-OLD: What are nippers?!
ME: Just a part of the
body. Everyone's got nipples. You've got nipples.
3-YEAR-OLD:
(shocked, pulls up shirt) Huh ... look at that, I do!
I
love teaching my kids things in the morning that then have the
potential to embarrass my wife all day long.
3-16-14
My
8-year-old: Inventor of the snart.
3-13-14
As
much grief as my children give me on a regular basis, they at least
make up for it occasionally by offering up conversational gems like
the following that I was able to overhear this morning while they
were playing with their toys. Recorded here for posterity ...
8-YEAR-OLD:
(speaking boldly for one of her toys) Do not fear, for I will protect
you! It is my duty!
The
3-year-old starts giggling.
8-YEAR-OLD:
No, Riley, I didn't mean poop.
The
3-year-old giggles even more.
8-YEAR-OLD:
(frustrated) ARGH! I DIDN'T MEAN POOP!
3-7-14
My
8-year-old's current obsession is making jewelry via something called
Rainbow Looms. She even got up early this morning to make me a pinky
ring. I'm wearing it, but I have to admit that I'm a little concerned
that people are now going to think I'm a mobster.
3-7-14
Parenting
Tip #137: If your 3-year-old walks up to you with a big grin on his
face and his hands behind his back and asks you, "Dad, you wanna
get wet?" you should probably answer "no, thank you." Admittedly, this one's probably a no-brainer.
3-3-14
Last
night the 3-year-old followed me into the garage and that means today
he's walking around wearing a santa hat and carrying a trick or treat
pumpkin filled with plastic Easter eggs. Must remember to do better at hiding the holiday decorations in the future.
3-2-14
Words
of wisdom from the 3-year-old this morning: When it comes to putting
on underwear, "the big picture always goes on your butt."
2-26-14
My
8-year-old has recently discovered both the music from Frozen as well
as Siri's voice command abilities for requesting songs on the iPhone.
Given this, I overheard the following conversation this morning:
8-YEAR-OLD
(loud, high-pitched and fast ... basically the way she talks): Play
"Let it Go"!
SIRI: (after a moment) Okay. Now playing
"Legs".
8-YEAR-OLD: Argh! Play "In Summer"!
SIRI:
(after a moment) Okay. Playing "Summer in the City."
8-YEAR-OLD:
Arrrghh!!! Play "LET IT GO!!!"
SIRI: (after a moment) Now
playing a song from the album "Let it Bleed" by the Rolling
Stones.
I'm
starting to think that either Siri is just sick of playing songs from
Frozen or she's trying to broaden my daughter's musical horizons.
Either way, I'm getting a lot of personal enjoyment out of it.
2-25-14
Haha ...
you see that nerd walking down Hollywood Boulevard this morning,
dragging a huge red suitcase full of Girl Scout cookies to work,
looking like a confused tourist who got lost looking for his hotel?
Yeah ... that was me.
2-24-14
So
when I woke up this morning, the 8-year-old (after first pleasantly
saying 'Good Morning, Daddy!') immediately started busting my chops
about leaving my dirty socks on the floor. I had no problem with
this, of course, as it clearly falls within "practice what you
preach" territory. She picked them up to show me as I was
walking by to the bathroom to take a shower and I asked her to please
throw them in the hamper for me. When I finally got out if the
shower, I quickly noticed that she obviously decided that they could
serve a higher purpose as tie backs for the normally always closed
curtains on the bedroom floor length window. And it's little
surprises like this that are the very reason why I never leave the
bathroom unless I am completely clothed.
2-23-14
My
3-year-old has really taken to the old "I love you to the moon
and back" expression when expressing his love, except lately
he's been putting his own spin on it, replacing "moon" with
other seemingly random objects. For example, just the other day, with
great enthusiasm he told me he loves me "to the dump truck and
back!" I'm not exactly sure how that measures, but I'm gonna
take it as a good thing. Recently he said he loves me to "Lightning
McQueen and back!" He seems to switch it up every time. Just
this morning, though, he reverted back to the original but added a
perplexing addendum to it by saying, "Daddy, I love you to the
moon and back and that's too far." I think I'm gonna need some
sort of a ruling on that one.
2-22-14
So
this morning I'm laying in bed, and I hear my wife come in and she
goes into the master bathroom to take a bath. After she's in, I then
hear the 3-year-old wander into the room then into the bathroom by
her. I hear him ask my wife, "You taking a bath, Mommy?"
and she answers, "Yep." After a moment of silence I then
hear my son say, "Beep. Beep." My wife immediately says,
"Noooo ... No beeping 'mommy's milks'." Of course, I
couldn't help but start laughing and my wife then says, in somewhat
louder tone, "And no Facebook posts!" — which is weird
because our 3-year-old doesn't even have a Facebook account and, even
if he did, he doesn't know how to type or even spell yet. How the
heck would he — oh ... wait ...
2-21-14
For
me, one of life's simplest of pleasures is hearing my kids giggle
uncontrollably at slapstick in movies or TV. I honestly could listen
to it all day long. It makes me think that maybe they really are my
kids after all. Hey, they were both emergency C-sections and I didn't
get to physically witness either of their births first hand so who
knows for sure, right? I mean, how do I know that in all the
craziness that the hospital didn't accidentally mix up our actual,
quieter, less mental kids with the ones that we've got now? You know?
I'm just sayin'. Okay, I now realize that I probably should have
stopped typing after the second sentence.
2-21-14
While
watching a family movie tonight, my impassioned 8-year-old suddenly
got up from the couch and declared that "if I was in the movie,
I'd punch that badguy in the face and knock his head off!" Not
to be outdone, the 3-year-old immediately followed it up with "if
I were in the movie, when I grow up I'd be Spider-man and Spider-man
web his face!" My kids: striking fear in the hearts of movie
badguys everywhere.
2-21-14
My
wife just told me she let the 3-year-old dress himself only to learn,
later in the day, that he had put on two pairs of underwear. When she
informed him that he had on 2 pairs of underwear, he looked down
confusedly and said, "I do?!" This one's clearly destined
for the gifted program.
2-21-14
My
3-year-old has informed me that when he grows up he wants to be a
firetruck. I wonder what kind of schooling is involved in that kind
of career.
2-9-14
Now, I
fully realize that there are some kid stories that I probably
shouldn't share, but then sometimes I just can't help myself. I'm
thinking that this may be one of those. Oh well. I believe I've
mentioned several times in the past how, since joining the ranks of
the newly potty-trained, my 3-year-old has often insisted on joining
me in the bathroom whenever I need to pee. That said, he's witnessed
the ... um ... event (for lack of a better word) countless times,
but, out of all those times, he picked this past Saturday night, in
one of the stalls in the crowded public men's room at a drive-in
movie theater to shout out, "Dad, you got a big penis!"
Thank you and goodnight.
2-9-14
It's
actually been quite a while since I've shaved my face clean and,
after doing it this morning, I'm thinking that it may be a long time
before I do it again ... my 8-year-old has been habitually petting my
cheeks all day long, calling them a baby's butt and insisting on enthusiastically telling strangers about it.
1-23-14
Years
from now, after my kids move out, I'm going to start hiding sealed
red folders with the words CONFIDENTIAL stamped on them all over the
house. Each one will contain lots of fake, redacted CIA "files",
high tech vehicle and weapon schematics and black and white
surveillance photos of myself and tough looking terrorists types.
That way, after I die and my kids are cleaning out all my old stuff,
they'll stumble upon the folders and think that their dorky dad was
actually a really cool secret agent. That
or it will just confirm to them that their dad really was a dork. To
be honest, I'm completely comfortable with either outcome.
1-21-14
One
of my favorite hobbies is repeatedly using made-up, nonsense words in
place of real words around my kids and wait for them to start using
them, too. Yes, I know I'm evil, but hey, a dad's gotta have some
fun.
1-17-14
When my
3-year-old bursted into the room this morning doing his best pirate
impression and attempting to strike an intimidating pose, I didn't
have the heart to tell him that the pinwheel he was brandishing as a
sword was somewhat defusing the overall effect that I'm pretty sure
he was going for.
1-11-14
"Why
Are There Rollerskates in the Bathtub? And Other Non-Sensical, Mostly
Rhetorical Questions I've Found Myself Asking Out Loud on a Daily
Basis Since Becoming a Father Eight and a Half Years Ago" —
the title of my non-forthcoming book that I haven't written that's
not coming soon to a closed bookstore no longer near you. Be sure to
not pre-order your non-existing copy today.
1-1-14
I
gotta hand it to my 3-year-old. Most people probably would have given
up asking for another marshmallow after 397 failed attempts, but he
hung in there and, after an additional 2487 requests, he finally
broke my wife down.
1-1-14
So I'm
eating my lunch at the dining room table and the 3-year-old walks
over. "Can I sit on your lap, daddy?" he asks. "Uh ...
I'm eating my lunch, but I guess so," I begrudgingly respond. He
gets up and in walks the 8-year-old. "Hey! I wanna sit on your
lap, too!" she yells and enthusiastically jumps up on the other
side with a thud. I now have a giggly, blonde-headed wall between me
and my food. After a moment of me grumbling about being hungry and
not, in fact, Santa Claus, both hop down and, as if by magic, now all my chips
are mysteriously gone. It was like some sort expertly executed
con-artist heist/diet plan.
12-27-13
"Randy
laid there like a slug; it was his only defense." If only that
worked for me with my kids. It doesn't.
12-25-13
My
8-year-old wrapped and gave me her old, nearly naked Flynn Ryder doll
for Christmas today. When I asked her why, she said because she
"didn't want it any more." Really warms a dad's heart. The
least she could have done was to put some clothes on the poor guy.
Though it did make me feel a little less bad about that week old tuna
sandwich that I had wrapped up for her.
12-21-13
So
sometimes when my wife and I spontaneously want to go to the movies
(and it's too short of notice to beg our friends to babysit our
kids), we take them to a local daycare place that has lots of toys
and fun activities for them. Today is one of those days and, after
looking at the daycare's calendar on their website, we tried to get
the kids excited by telling them that they're going to be making
holiday "crafts" there today ...
MY
8-YEAR-OLD: (extremely excited) Yaaaaay! Holiday crafts! Woo-hoo!
MY
3-YEAR-OLD: (angrily stomps his feet) Awwwww, I HATE crafts! (pauses)
I like giraffes. They gonna have giraffes?
Uhhhhh
... yes, son, I think they might even have crafts of giraffes and
giraffes doing crafts just for laughs! Now hurry up and finish your
green eggs and ham; mom and I are trying to make the 12:00 show.
12-20-13
We took the kids to see Santa today.
MY
8-YEAR-OLD (after first asking for what she wanted): And can you give
our dog a bone?
SANTA: (laughs) Of course! And a
knick-knack-paddy-whack?
MY 8-YEAR-OLD: (after a confused pause, in
a "what the heck is this guy talking about" tone) No. Just
a bone.
12-20-13
Today we climbed aboard the North Pole Express to pick up
Santa at the "North Pole" which, in this case, was a
heavily decorated shack several miles away from the station, in a
snowless, iceless area surrounded by palm trees and orange groves ...
not exactly as you'd picture it, but hey, the kids bought it.
12-14-13
Watching
my 3-year-old doing ketchup shooters at In-N-Out Burger. Gross.
12-6-13
MY
8-YEAR-OLD: So, is it really true that you get coal if you're
naughty?
ME:
Yep, it's true.
MY
8-YEAR-OLD: (after a pause) You can use coal for snowmen's eyes and
mouths.
ME:
Uh ... yeah, also true.
MY
8-YEAR-OLD: So then getting coal is a good thing.
Yep,
I'm going to be in trouble with this one.
12-6-13
So today
is St. Nick's Day and my wife got my 8-year-old this thing called
"Hair Chalk." It's like chalk that you can use to color
your hair. I've never head of such a thing, but she was very excited
about it. And
this is why my sideburns are blue today.
11-28-13
In a
year of personal sadness and loss, I am most thankful this
Thanksgiving for the memories I have of happier times. I am also
supremely thankful for the people and things and moments in my life
that make me laugh and/or smile. For example, hearing my 3-year-old
early this morning, after leaving the bathroom, wandering the house
with his pants around his ankles, repeatedly yelling out, "Mom
wipe my butt!" Or my 8-year-old, who goes outside in the cold
for the sole purpose of then being able to come back in 5 minutes
later and demand hot cocoa. Finally, as cheesy as it sounds, I am
also thankful for Facebook so the socially awkward introvert that I
am is able to connect, reconnect and/or stay connected with family
and friends and attempt to occasionally make them laugh and/or smile
as well. Thank you to those who take the time to read what I write
and Happy Thanksgiving to you all.
11-16-13
Just got
done with a little carpentry work ... boxcutting a drawbridge and
window in my kids' new refrigerator box castle. What? Wood and
cardboard both come from trees so yes, it does too count as
carpentry.
11-14-13
Hearing
my 3-year-old repeatedly say, "Aaaah, what's up doc?" in
the other room to himself in his best Bugs Bunny impersonation and
giggle hysterically after each time somehow just made my morning.
Thanks, you wascially wabbit of a son of mine.
11-3-13
Every
night, as I slip into bed I become Gollum, snuggling in and
whispering, "My precious" to my bed. And then, hours later,
those hobbitses known as my alarm clock and my children come along
and try to steal my precious from me. We wants it, we needs it. Must
have the precious. They stole it from us. Wicked, tricksy, sneaky
little hobbitses!
10-19-13
Today
while at a pumpkin patch that has a petting zoo, my 3-year-old turned
to us and yelled, "I WANNA GO SEE — [pauses briefly to belch
the loudest I've ever heard him belch in his life] — THE PIGS!"
So young and he's already mastered his ironic comic timing. I could't
be prouder.
10-12-13
So,
having already mastered the common adolescent practice of repeatedly
asking "why?" to everything, my 3-year-old has moved beyond
it and has advanced to an all new methodology that, I'm proud to say,
I think he's developed all on his own. It works as follows:
3-YEAR-OLD:
How do you get to outer space?
ME:
In a rocket.
3-YEAR-OLD:
What kind of rocket?
ME:
A space rocket.
3-YEAR-OLD:
What kind of space rocket?
ME:
A fast space rocket.
3-YEAR-OLD:
What kind of fast space rocket?
ME:
A really fast space rocket.
3-YEAR-OLD:
What kind of really fast space rocket?
I'm
starting to think he just likes messing with me.
10-6-13
Doll:
Previously purchased and I have no idea how much it cost
Package
of Fake Mustaches: $5.99
Look
on my daughter's face when she discovers I combined the two:
Priceless
10-5-13
My
3-year-old does not get the whole concept of bubbles. After using the
bubble blower once, if we aren't paying attention to him he will
always dump out the rest of the bottle onto the ground. It used to
really tick me off until I realized that maybe he's just been doing
"one for himself and one for his homies" all this time. Boy
don't I feel like an insensitive jerk.
10-2-13
When not
in use, my laptop would previously reside on the top of my dresser.
That was before the 3-year-old decided to make it his new hobby to
remove it whenever I'm not around, open it up and systematically
rename all the files on my desktop in his native tongue of gibberish,
all in an act that he, when caught, happily refers to as "just checking
my e-mail, daddy."
10-2-13
I
recently overheard the 8-year-old and 3-year-old comparing (what I
can only assume was) their early Christmas lists. The 8-year-old
started with "a doll house". The 3-year-old excitedly
concurred, but with the minor addendum, "a Lightning McQueen
doll house!" The 8-year-old then followed it up with "a
horse" and, of course, the 3-year-old responded enthusiastically
with, "Yeah, a Lightning McQueen horse!" I'm beginning to
suspect that the 3-year-old may be a tad obsessed. Boy, Santa is
gonna be soooo screwed with that one's list this year. Haha, Santa!
Good luck with that! Oh,
wait ... craaaaap!
10-1-13
Love
hurts. A perfect example of this is when your 8-year-old lovingly
kisses you on the side of your head, only to get her gum stuck in
your hair (how?!), then (unbeknownst to you) she realizes what she's
done and immediately starts trying to yank it out. My hair now smells
of a delicious combination of mint and peanut butter.
9-29-13
My new
hobby: Putting fake mustaches on my daughter's dolls when she's not
looking. My favorite part is when she discovers them and
frustratingly yells out "Arrrrgh!!! Daddy!!!" from another
room. How does she always know it was me?!
9-28-13
My 8-year-old asked me to carry her and promised that if I did,
she wouldn't fart on my hands. And all this time I thought that was a
"given". Silly dad.
9-21-13
I had an
unexpected bonding moment with my 3-year-old today. [TMI ALERT] While
using the bathroom, he barged in and decided to drop trough and join
me at the bowl, thereby making it the first time I've ever pee'd into
the same toilet at the same time with another person. Don't worry,
Dr. Spengler, I made sure we didn't cross the streams.
9-20-13
Yep,
just me and the boy this weekend. You know what that means. Uh-huh
... when the cat's away, the mouse will be forced to pretend like he
has knows how to take care of a 3-year-old by himself for more
than a 2 hour stretch. Why do I have a feeling that I'm gonna find
myself in a substitute teacher kind of situation here? What is that
you say, son? Mom lets you watch movies all day and eat marshmallows
for every meal? Uhhh ... well, I guess that sounds okay ...
9-20-13
It's
just me and the boy this weekend as the wife and daughter are going
camping with the Girl Scouts. The strippers will be arriving at 8 pm.
Kidding of course ... it wouldn't be any fun — my son would just
keep pestering them for milk the whole time.
9-15-13
We, like
many of you out there I'm sure, have a set of house rules. My
particular favorite of ours is "No food in the bedrooms."
This rule is in place primarily because my kids are messy eaters and
like to leave remnants for our local ants to come and enjoy. I use
this rule more than any other I think. Maybe "abuse" is a
better word than "use." Allow me to explain. Whenever I'm
doing something in the bedroom (no, not "that", you dirty
minded person) — I mean like hanging curtains (and no, that's not a
euphemism) that my kids had pulled out of the wall for the fourth
time this year, and they're bugging me, I'll simply stop what I'm
doing, walk to the kitchen and open a banana. I do this knowing that
my kids, being the biggest food moochers on the planet (as I
previously mentioned), will always follow me and ask for one, too. I
then just give them my banana, go back to what I was doing in the
bedroom and remind them that there's NO FOOD IN THE BEDROOMS! Works every time. Consider this "Father Survival Tip
#132." I'm considerably proud of this particular one. You're
welcome.
9-15-13
I swear
my kids are the biggest food moochers on the planet. Therefore, it
behooves me to remain the only non-gluten free person in the house.
Even if my food doesn't have gluten in it, I quickly claim it does
because I know my kids will stop asking. I only run into trouble when
they catch me eating something of theirs that they know is gluten
free. Like this morning, my 3-year-old caught me eating one of the
gluten-free donuts that my wife had made everyone and the following
conversation took place.
3-YEAR-OLD:
What you eating dad?
ME:
(busted) What? Who me?!
3-YEAR-OLD:
Yeah. What are you eating?
ME:
(thinking fast) Poop.
3-YEAR-OLD:
(very concerned) Why are you eating poop, dad?
ME:
(walking briskly away) Nothing! It's got gluten in it! Leave me
alone!
9-15-13
My
8-year-old just walked into the room where I am and the following
brief conversation took place.
8-YEAR-OLD:
Mom?
ME:
I'm dad.
8-YEAR-OLD:
Dad?
ME:
Yeah?
8-YEAR-OLD:
I'm gonna go ask mom something.
ME:
Ok then.
And
my work here is done.
9-5-13
My new
job has me working in a building that resides on Hollywood Boulevard,
which is where the Walk of Fame is ... you know, the sidewalk with
all the stars with celebrity names on them. My wife and kids came to
visit me today at lunch time and my daughter, who's 8, asked me in
complete seriousness where the star with my name was. I laughed at
first, but then couldn't help but think that the 8-year-old version
of myself — who was so full of dreams of working in the film
industry even at that young age, who would watch the Academy Awards
every year and fantasize about being up on that stage, accepting his
very own Oscar and making his mom so proud — if given the chance
would have asked the present-day version of me that very same
question.
8-31-13
Shaving.
The 3-year-old bursts into the bathroom, looks up at me, narrows his
eyes and asks with intensity, "Daddy ... why you mow your face?"
Because
daddy's too cheap to pay a gardener do it for him.
7-18-13
Fatherhood
is being amazed with your 3-year-old when he unexpectedly offers to
get you a glass of water ... and then being equally horrified when he
returns with it, only to take a big swig out of it before handing it
to you, and then patiently waits (all smiley and proud of himself)
for you to drink it down, all while you can clearly see the multitude
of backwashed food particles that are now swirling around in it.
7-12-13
Now hear
this ... my 8-year-old daughter just enthusiastically informed me
this morning that "when you're in the bathroom, you can fart all
you want and you don't have to say excuse me!" Please pass it on
... the word that is.
7-9-13
Something
I learned firsthand while at my daughter's recent birthday party:
There's no manly way to run while holding a balloon by the string. Can you believe I actually tried?
7-6-13
While
I'm hiding in — er, I mean using — the bathroom, my 8-year-old
daughter suddenly bangs on the door and the following conversation
takes place ...
8-YEAR-OLD:
Daaaaaaaaddddyyy!
ME:
(sigh) Yeah?
8-YEAR-OLD:
I neeeeeeeed you!
ME:
I'll be out in a minute.
8-YEAR-OLD:
Arrrrghhh ... what are you doing?!
ME:
What do you think I'm doing? I'm going to the bathroom.
8-YEAR-OLD:
Nuh-uh! I don't hear any noises coming out of your boy parts!
Busted.
6-23-13
Potty-training
with my 2-year-old means (in his words) a game of making "snakes
and water fountains." You're welcome for sharing.
6-15-13
I
love when my 2-year-old follows me with his plastic toy mower while
I'm mowing the lawn. That way I can say he was the one that wasn't
paying attention and totally obliterated that sprinkler head. Again.
6-12-13
So after
trying to explain the whole jury duty and trial thing to my
7-year-old tonight and how it was up to me and 11 other people to
decide who was right and wrong, she paused a moment and asked, "Why
don't they just do 'eeny miney mo?'" I replied, "Um ... I
don't know" and she told me to ask the judge tomorrow. I'm
thinking that might not be a good idea.
6-3-13
Sometimes
being a father means needing to use your 2-year-old's Batman face
cloth because it's the only clean one left. Being a father also means
owning a Batman face cloth and being able to claim it's the
2-year-old's and not actually yours.
5-28-13
My
2-year-old is a firm believer in the barter system. He will happily
trade what he wants for not whining relentlessly about what he wants.
5-19-13
That
awkward moment when you're rushing to the bathroom to pee only to
find that several Barbies have chosen this unfortunate spot to
sunbathe ... or whatever it is that they're doing. I've come to
learn that Barbies in our house do weird things sometimes.
5-15-13
Our
house is overrun with Barbies — most of them given to us by
"friends" whose kids don't want them anymore. I've had to
put them away so many times now that I could easily write a book on
"How to Pick Up Women." See what I did there?
5-12-13
News
flash from my 7-year-old ... She just informed me that her farts are
really gross. More as this story develops.
5-12-13
When
we told the 2-year-old we were going to the Aquarium of the Pacific, he said "I get
my fishing pole!" No joke.
5-11-13
Conversation
in the car just now ...
7-YEAR-OLD:
What kind of store is that?
MOM:
That's an adult store.
7-YEAR-OLD:
But it says "toys" on the window.
ME:
Uhh ... good reading skills!
5-7-13
When
asked why she didn't eat the chips that were packed in her lunch, my
7-year-old replied, "Because they make my hands too slippery on
the monkey bars." Now THAT'S a girl who's got her priorities
straight.
4-28-13
There
has to be some kind of link between my kids learning to walk and the
strange and daily phenomena that leads me to constantly find that
several of our dining room chairs have mysteriously migrated to our
kitchen. It's like an obstacle course every time I try to walk in
there. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm gonna get to the bottom
of it one of these days.
4-28-13
My
2-year-old, like many who have come before him, has started to reply
"why?" to everything we say to him. It's really getting out
if hand ... yesterday (I kid you not) he actually said it to my GPS
after it announced I should "turn right at the next light."
4-28-13
In
the middle of the night last night I woke up to hear my 2-year-old
having a "nightmare" ... he kept yelling, "I don't
wanna make my bed! I need help!" I can only assume it was a
monster that was making him do it. One of those rare types of
monsters that just makes you do chores around the house I guess.
4-24-13
My
2-year-old apparently does not approve of my newly grown facial hair.
I know this because he yells at me, "Daddy you have pokes on
your face — you take it off really NOW!" Sure thing, kid ...
as soon as you promise to stop taking all the batteries out of the
remotes really NOW!
4-23-13
A
typical conversation with my 2-year-old ...
2-YEAR-OLD:
Where'd mommy go?
ME:
She went into the store.
2-YEAR-OLD:
Why?
ME:
So she could by food.
2-YEAR-OLD:
Why?
ME:
So she can make us a yummy dinner.
2-YEAR-OLD:
Why?
ME:
So we can eat it.
2-YEAR-OLD:
Why?
ME:
To fill our bellies up.
[A
moment of silence.]
2-YEAR-OLD:
Where'd mommy go?
That
course he took at the Lou Costello School of Communication is really paying
off.
4-22-13
My wife
uses Netflix streaming primarily for the kids and now (because the
account is under my name) Netflix thinks that all I like are movies
about trains and fairies. By the way, thanks for recommending the
entire Thomas the Tank Engine catalog, Netflix. I can't wait to call
in sick tomorrow to binge watch them all.
4-14-13
The
7-year-old woke me up this morning by offering me (i.e. shoving in my
face) a cup of "chamomile" (of the imaginary variety) tea.
Bleary-eyed, I took an obligatory sip from the plastic cup and, as I
did, she quickly disclaimed that it had onions in it, but not to
worry, I won't taste them. Obviously she's been talking to my mom.
She then continued to list out all the other ingredients. I'm no
expert on tea, but I'm pretty sure there's no variety of chamomile
that has taco mix in it. And wait a minute ... where did the water in this cup come from exactly?!
3-11-13
I'm
always amazed at how disgusting the lenses on my glasses are ... I
mean, seriously, I wear them for like a minute at night and maybe 5
minutes after I get up in the morning, yet they look like someone's
been eating off of them. Then I remember my kids' penchant for waking
me up in the morning by jumping on my belly and immediately (and
painfully) cramming my glasses onto my face and it all becomes very
clear ... or unclear. Both.
3-10-13
Overheard
this morning ...
WIFE
TO 2-YEAR-OLD: (while he giggles hysterically) Hey! It's not funny to
pee on things!
Anyone
out there beg to differ?
3-3-13
Overheard
this morning, coming from the bathroom ...
WIFE
TO 2-YEAR-OLD: Hey! There's no laughing at yourself in the mirror
while the water is running!
Yet
another one of mom's weird, arbitrary rules.
2-24-13
We
have one of those Oscar pre-shows on right now and my 7-year-old just
wandered out of her room, saw someone on the red carpet with a tux on
and said, "Is that guy getting married or something?"
2-23-13
Whenever
I catch my 2-year-old picking his nose I like to ask him what he's
digging for. His most recent answer: "There's a rock up in
here."
2-23-13
A
conversation overheard between my wife and 7-year old this morning
...
WIFE:
You can't wear socks with flip flops.
7-YEAR-OLD:
Why not?!
WIFE:
Because you can't.
And
with that, yet another harsh, inexplicable life lesson has been
learned. I will do my best to remember it from here on out.
2-17-13
If
either of my kids want to whisper something in your ear, be
forewarned. I've come to learn that the 7-year-old is excessively
"breathy" and 2-year-old will immediately stick his finger
in your ear after he's done.
2-15-13
I awoke this
morning to the sound of my daughter attempting to roller skate down
our hallway. Instead of getting up, I rolled over and pretended not
to hear. Seconds later, I heard a thump and then my son started to
snicker. My daughter then let out a frustrated grunt. Another couple
seconds later I heard another thump, my son start to giggle loudly
and then my daughter yell out, "Mom! Riley keeps laughing at me
when I fall down!" To this, I smiled. Only 2-years-old and my
son already has an appreciation for slapstick. Life is good.
2-10-13
Sometimes
when I make popcorn I get a little sloppy pouring the kernels into
the bowl and some end up on the kitchen floor. I'll usually pick
those up and put them into the dog's bowl. I've been doing this for a
long time now. My wife just informed me tonight that it isn't
actually the dog that that usually eats them the next morning ...
it's the 2-year-old.
2-9-13
My
7-year-old thinks "Its really cool that Wonder Woman can be in
her clothes and then spin around and then is in her swimming suit."
2-8-13
As a father
of small children I've come to realize I ask a lot of really dumb
questions out loud these days. Questions that I clearly know the
answer to. Questions like: Why is there peanut butter on the bathroom
floor?
2-7-13
It's a
little less "girly" if the thing my son is pushing around
in his sister's pink baby doll stroller is a basketball, right?
2-6-13
My 2-year-old continues to insist on joining me when he
see's me go into the bathroom and, in the interest of potty training,
I begrudgingly let him. I don't know what's more unnerving, him
enthusiastically watching me as I "prepare" to pee or
excitedly yelling "It's working! It's working!" when I
finally do.
2-5-13
Does anyone know if they make those "invisible fence"
electric dog collars for children? What? Oh, yeah ... I know ... of
course that'd be totally wrong ... ha ha ... geez, I was just joking,
guys! But do they?
2-2-13
Man, my neighbors are so freaking annoying! At 6:00 AM
they're yelling and screaming and blaring their music -- I swear to
God I'm gonna call the police on them! It's as if they're right in my
own hou-- oh wait ... it's my kids.
2-1-13
As a father, one of the things I want to make sure my
daughter knows is that girls can do anything that boys can. Well ...
except going topless in public and pee standing up. I mean, I guess
technically girls can do both of those things, but I'll make sure she
knows that neither are really recommended.
1-25-13
Here's an interesting fun fact that I learned since becoming
a father: Toy cars actually make for excellent makeshift roller
skates, especially in the middle of the night while walking in the
dark to the bathroom. Needless to say I got there waaaay faster than I expected to. And good thing there was that wall there to stop me.
1-22-13
I both love and am concerned that my 7-year-old still falls
for my patented "Is that a rabbit in the backyard?!"
diversion technique.
12-26-12
Any time my 2-year-old gets a "boo-boo" I always offer
to kiss it to make it better, but he always refuses and goes directly
to his mom for it. I try not to take it personally. Yesterday he
surprised me and actually asked me to hug his boo-boo instead. I felt
a little weird hugging his foot, but hey ... it's progress, right?
12-25-12
While driving home from visiting relatives today, my
7-year-old daughter asked if we could play hide-and-go-seek in the
car. She told me to hide while she counted to 5. I lost ... I suck at that game.
12-24-12
While
getting Chinese food for lunch today, my 7-year-old asks if we can be
sure to "get some of those breaky things with the words in
them." Anyone care to translate?
12-23-12
Happy Festivus, Everyone! Let's begin with the airing of
grievances which I will be starting with my whiny 2-year-old who
insisted on waking everyone up in the house at 5 AM this morning.
12-23-12
I don't believe in the saying "You snooze, you lose."
Snoozing with two crazy kids in the house is like the best thing
ever. I snooze, I win.
12-22-12
While shopping today, my 7-year-old disappeared for a moment and then returned with something that she said
we should buy it for grandma. Uh ... no ... sorry, we're not buying
grandma lingerie.
12-21-12
Me to my 7-year-old: Okay, your mom and I need to run some
errands today so we need you to stay with grandma and grandpa. You
need to follow their rules and do as they say, okay? Her
response to me: Everyone has one hole that poop comes out of.
12-21-12
While trying to explain to my 7-year-old that, when trying
to get someone's attention, she should wait for a break in the
conversation before saying "excuse me" instead of what she
normally does which is saying it over and over and over again and
getting louder each time. Her response? "Even when I fart?"
12-20-12
Every time I read "T'was the Night Before Christmas" to
the kids at bedtime I purposely misread the line about Santa "laying
a finger aside his nose" by saying "laying a finger inside
his nose" and can't finish the story without giggling till the
very end. Yes, I am a child.
12-15-12
I'm about to take my super hyper 7-year-old daughter Christmas
shopping. By myself. Does that make me a cool dad or clinically
insane? If you answered "cool dad" then you clearly don't
know my daughter.
12-10-12
So it turns out my 2-year-old son has great taste in movies
... he proved it by re-enacting the swimming pool scene from
Caddyshack tonight in the tub. And no, I don't mean the part with the
synchronized swimming. Gross.
12-9-12
I drive the older car in my family so that means the kids
ride in my wife's car 99% of the time, but a situation arose
yesterday when I needed to drive my 7-year-old daughter somewhere.
After about 10 minutes of unrelentingly belting out Christmas songs
from her car seat (by the way, when she starts in on "Twelve
Days of Christmas", you know you're in for a serious treat), she
stops suddenly, pauses a moment and then says, "Dad? Why does
your car shake so much? It's vibrating on my girl parts." Uhhh
....
On
a completely unrelated note, to raise some extra cash for the
holidays I've decided to start a taxi service for women only.
11-18-12
My 7-year-old is clearly destined to become a pop star someday.
She's already an expert in the art of what I like to call "free
association singing". Some recent sample lyrics that I was
privileged to hear went something like this: "I'm swinging on
the swing in my backyard and and it's sunny outside and the sky is
blue and the grass is green and there are lots of clouds and I like
fairies and my dress is red and sometimes my brother is stinky
because he poops in his pants and my dad has brown hair!" This
was, of course, all sung at the top of her lungs and more than just a
little off-key (we'll fix that part in post), all while her
aforementioned 2-year-old brother did what I can only describe as
some sort of interpretive dance moves next to her. I'm on the phone
with an agent as I type this. Their world tour starts next year.
11-16-12
My sleep cycle is extremely fragile between the early morning
hours of 3-5 AM. By this, I mean if I wake up during that time, I
find it very difficult to fall back to sleep. Of course, that's
exactly the timeframe when my 7-year-old has been waking up and
coming into my room to snuggle. Last night she curled up close and
started breathing through her nose, which immediately started to
whistle. And I could tell exactly the moment when she noticed it
because she then started to breath even harder and I was treated to
what seemed like a 3 minute concert performed DIRECTLY INTO MY LEFT
EAR while I tried to ignore her. Moments before I was going to say something, she abruptly
stopped, enthusiastically tapped my shoulder and said, "Hey dad!
You wanna hear something cool?!"
11-11-12
My 2-year-old really needs to work on his communication skills.
For example, when he wanders around, repeatedly saying nonsensical,
incomplete sentences like "Hungry food eat." Now what the
heck is that supposed to mean?!
11-10-12
How come all my 7-year-old daughter's questions start with the
words "how come"?
11-3-12
My 7-year-old to me: "Dad, can I ride on your
shoulders? I promise I won't fart." Well, in that case, hop on up there little lady!
11-3-12
My 7-year-old daughter sits quietly while eating a cupcake.
It's what I like to call the quiet before the (sugar) storm.
10-30-12
My 2-year-old is mimicking me more and more these days ... is it
too late to hire a better role model?
10-17-12
If anything, my two children have once and for all proved to
me that there's no truth in the "momma had a baby and her head
popped off" myth.
10-9-12
Both my (crazy) kids were conceived in October. What that means
is if you need to find me, I will be living at an undisclosed Holiday
Inn somewhere in Orange County for the duration of this month.
10-5-12
You know when you get up in the middle of the night to get a
glass or water and, while trying to be as quiet as you can on your
way to the kitchen, you find yourself inadvertently coming into
contact with the single-most loudest toy that your 2-year-old owns,
the fire truck with the professional grade siren, which of course you
step directly on, causing it to go off and, because it has wheels it
not only shoots across the room directly into your poor sleeping dog
(who jumps up yelping), but also causes you to be thrown backwards,
stumbling haplessly into a wall where you hit a picture frame that
comes crashing to the floor at which point everyone in the house is
now awake, either crying or yelling profanities and you think to
yourself, "Well, my work here is done." Yeah, that's my favorite.
9-30-12
So my wife discovered the 2-year-old drinking from his potty
chair bowl, which he had filled with water from the bathroom sink,
thereby marking the one and only time I have ever been thankful he
has yet to use it for it's intended purpose.
9-27-12
It's nice the kids left me a square or two of toilet paper on the roll. If I need
more, I'm sure there's probably about 20 feet of it strewn across the
backyard.
9-26-12
I'm a great father. I play hide-and-seek with the kids all the
time. I'm usually the one that does the hiding. Typically in the
bathroom. With the door locked. Oh, and I don't tell them that I'm
playing hide-and-seek. That still counts, though, right?
9-25-12
Thanks to a cranky 2-year-old, my house was magically whisked
away to Whine Country this morning around 3 AM. The entire house was
forced to partake in a whine tasting session by our master purveyor
and after being subjected to what I can only assume was a case of the finest of whines,
consumed over what felt like an hours time, I can say that this
morning's vintage displayed an annoying bouquet of aggravation
followed by a heavy, lingering aftertaste of exhaustion. I hope I
don't get pulled over while driving to work.
9-21-12
My 2-year-old son always excitedly points out planes when sees
one fly over. Because of this, for Halloween I've decided to get us matching white suits.
9-21-12
Ever since I foolishly (and uncharacteristically) neglected to
shut the bathroom door that recent fateful night and my 7-year-old
daughter inadvertently learned firsthand how boys pee ("THAT'S
HOW YOU PEE?! YOU HOLD YOUR PENIS!?!"), my daughter, caring
individual that she is, now always feels the need to enthusiastically
remind me, "Don't forget to hold your penis, dad!" every
time she see's me enter a bathroom — in public or not. And now my
2-year-old son insists on joining me every time so he can observe my,
uh, technique (I keep waiting for him to pull out a protractor and
compass the way he studies so intently ... it's actually kind of
unnerving). Then, when I'm done, I exit the bathroom to find myself
walking directly into press conference where my daughter throws the
same rapid-fire barrage of questions my way, "Did you hold your
penis? Why do you need to hold your penis? Why do boys need to stand
up to pee?" This is my life.
9-19-12
Since becoming a parent, one of my Top 10 most commonly repeated
phrases has got to be: "Ah crap, what the hell is that on my
pants?!"
9-18-12
So we're trying to get the 2-year-old to potty train and tonight
I decided to, uh, lead by example. After several moments of intensive
observation (seriously ... he looked like he should've been holding
onto a clipboard) and silence (well, besides the sound of me peeing)
he looked up at me in awe and said, "Woah ... water fountain!"
9-18-12
My 2-year-old son's new favorite song is "Love Roller
Coaster" by the Red Hot Chili Peppers, but I keep hearing him
singing it with different lyrics, replacing roller coaster with the
things he's become fascinated with: helicopter, motorcycle and water
fountain ... hoo hoo hoo hoo. Weird Al would be proud.
9-9-12
My 7-year-old's quote of the day, "Why is Lady GaGa gonna
poke her in the face?"
9-3-12
I made the mistake of telling my 7-year-old daughter that I
had a little headache and within minutes she had me tucked into bed
and wearing her Hello Kitty eye mask. She then made me a cup of
Emergen-C and wrapped my right foot in a toilet paper bandage. I'm
afraid to know what she would have done had I had a big headache.
Strangely enough my headache is gone now.
9-2-12
I was almost really proud of my 7-year-old daughter today ... she
had a dollar to spend at Target and her choice, out of everything she
could get (which honestly wasn't much), was a package of fake dog
poop. Unfortunately at the checkout counter she changed her mind,
deciding that her selection was "too poopy".
9-1-12
I just asked my 2-year-old, "What does a sheep say?"
and he answered, "Baaa baaa baaaa, ba barbara ann." True story.
8-21-12
I'm the sole night person in a house full of rabid morning
people. That means getting out of bed for me every morning and leaving my bedroom is very
much like merging onto a busy freeway with a 1 foot on-ramp.
8-19-12
Alliteration can be dangerous ... especially when accidentally
used by a fire truck loving 2-year-old who loves to loudly call them
out whenever he sees one in public. Let's just say he doesn't yell out "Tire Tuck!"
8-11-12
Hot coals? Whatever. Try walking barefoot on a path of spilled
Legos.
8-9-12
So my 7-year-old daughter discovered my cologne this morning.
Despite her denial, I could easily tell based on the intense,
eye-watering vapor cloud that completely encompassed her as she
entered the room. I'm now considering buying her a gold chain, wife
beater and chest hair toupee to complete the image. On a related
note, the bathroom, where she apparently bathed in it, has been
boarded up due to the fallout. I suspect we'll be able to safely
re-enter the room in about 15 or 20 years.
8-4-12
I used to need an alarm clock to wake me up in the morning, but
since becoming a father, my darling children decide when I should
wake up by either sloppily shoving my glasses onto my face (lovingly
poking me in the eyeballs several times in the process) or by simply
jumping on me and kneeing me in the groin once or twice. One of those
methods usually does the trick.
8-3-12
As a father, once in a while you're able to witness a moment in
your son's life that instills you with a sense of pride. A moment
where you think to yourself, "I have taught him well."
While belting out a somewhat slurred rendition of "Happy
Birthday" to no one in particular (as he has often been known to
do), my 2-year-old was rudely interrupted by gas emitting from his
own body which caused him to abruptly stop singing, point to his own
butt, say, "Heh ... fot," and then resume his song right
where he had left off. I'm not entirely sure if that was one of those
moments.
8-3-12
Today's life lesson learned: Having Mexican food for dinner
while on vacation and sharing a single hotel room is not the best of
ideas. The pivotal moment in the evening came when my wife said to my
daughter, "Wow ... you ate that whole plate of beans?" By
then, it was already too late.
8-1-12
The other day I was coloring a picture with my daughter and
she paid me a compliment and, you know what, I AM "a good
arter", dammit.
7-31-12
I absolutely love my daughter's imagination, but she always
automatically assumes that I'll be her tireless henchman in every
elaborate scheme that pops into her head and I'm sorry, but sometimes
dad just can't muster the same amount of of energy and enthusiasm
that she has to build an entire carnival in our backyard out of
cardboard boxes. Would it be wrong if next time I go to the Home
Depot parking lot and hire some day laborers to help her? It'd be
worth it just to see their confused expressions as she bosses them
around.
7-17-12
Without warning, Christmas in July has come to the Larson
household this morning as I woke to the ... ahem ... "enchanting"
sounds of my daughter singing Christmas songs in the key of loud (the
only one she knows), along with my son, who clearly has absolutely no
idea what the heck is going on (but always willing to cheerfully go
with the flow) doing his best to sing backup. It would seem they
discovered the Christmas playlist on our iPod and now I am craving
egg nog.
7-7-12
When it comes to food dropped on the floor or ground, it seems my
1-year-old is a firm believer in the 3 day rule.
6-27-12
So can someone tell me why my 1-year-old always gets all
huggy right after he's had several handfuls of apple sauce?
6-21-12
My 1-year-old has taken to barking commands at me now.
Whenever he sees me, he yells one of three things at me — "Work!",
"Eat!" or "Mow!" Apparently those are the only
three things he thinks I do.
6-21-12
So much for being prepared ... I expected the kids to wake
me up this morning by attacking me in bed (like they've been known to
do) and yelling "Happy Birthday", but they didn't ... so I
wore my cup and all that extra padding all night for nothing.
6-19-12
A special thank you goes out today to my 1-year-old son who
inadvertently made my cranky mood instantaneously dissipate this
morning. While he and his sister were walking me to my car, his pants
fell down and he stopped to frustratingly yank them back up, only to
have it happen again a few steps later. And then again a few more
steps after that. The thought of it is still cracking me up. Thank
you, Riley, for the slapsticky attitude adjustment I so desperately
needed.
6-16-12
An open letter to my 6-year-old daughter: While I appreciate your
wanting me to look "handsome" before I leave the house each
morning, when your definition of the word handsome specifically
includes brushing my hair completely flat, buttoning my shirt all the
way up to the top button, wrapping a pink feather boa around my neck
and the plopping the Disneyland Goofy hat that I bought 20 years ago
on my head, I would like to respectfully decline your offer for help.
6-16-12
While at the mall today with the fam I was chasing my 1-year-old
around and overheard my wife say to my 6-year-old, "Zoey, put
down the machine gun." Granted, it was only a toy, but it
certainly wasn't something I'd ever thought I'd hear. She's more into
bazookas these days.
6-12-12
And on another music-related note regarding my 1-year-old son
(and further proof that my children are complete weirdos), my son's
current bedtime musical kryptonite (or music that never fails to put
him to sleep almost instantly) is not lullabies, but actually, in
fact, Spanish guitar music. And I'm not talking slow, romantic
Spanish guitar music -- I'm talking like freakin' fast-paced Salsa
Spanish guitar music.
6-5-12
Woke up in the middle of the night last night. While trying to fall
back to sleep, I suddenly heard my 1-year-old son break the silence
by saying "Walk Wile E." in his sleep and I couldn't help
but smile at the thought that he and my dog were probably dreaming
the same thing.
6-1-12
My 6-year-old daughter insisted I take one of her stuffed animals to work this morning "in case I need to snuggle." How did
she know all my coworkers always say no?
5-26-12
It just occurred to me that I should actually be thanking my
children for being so obnoxiously loud every single early morning.
It's clear to me now that they're doing it out of love. They're
trying to condition me so when I'm eventually committed to the insane
asylum I'll be able to sleep peacefully every night with ease. Awwww ...
thanks kids!
5-22-12
I would like to thank the Chipmunks (or, more accurately, the
Chipettes) for exposing my 6-year-old daughter to the musical
stylings of Lady Gaga and, thereby, her father as well. And now I
require the services of an exorcist to get the chorus of "Bad
Romance" out of my head.
5-21-12
I learned recently that my 1-year-old son is writing a book
entitled, "The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Toddlers."
Chapter 2 is entitled "Ad Nauseam" and, broken down, it
basically entails verbally repeating what you want, over and over
again, until you get it. For example, his new favorite thing is to
take our dog Wile E. for a walk. This morning around 4:30 a.m. I
awoke to him saying "wok wilee" roughly 456 thousand times.
It got to the point where my half asleep brain was convinced his
repeated phrase was the alarm on my clock and I futilely tried to
make it stop by hitting the snooze bar.
5-20-12
Watching my 1-year-old son playing Operation and laughing
hysterically every time he repeatedly and purposely makes it buzz and
cause the guy's nose to light up. Note to self: If I ever need
surgery, do NOT allow my son to perform it.
5-20-12
Argh! My 1-year-old son always pours the last half of his drink
on the floor — kid must have an awful lot of dead homies.
5-14-12
So while folding clothes the other day, my 6-year-old
daughter happened to see a pair of my boxer briefs and commented that
she thought it was pretty cool that I had a pocket on the front of my
underwear. Now why didn't I think of that? I'm gonna start carrying
my cell phone in there. What the heck — I'm done having kids.
5-13-12
The 1-year-old didn't get his mom a gift this year ... what
a jerk. I even gave him 20 bucks, but I think he blew it all at the
track. That or he ate it. Never can tell with 1-year-olds these days.
5-3-12
If there's any benefits to living with a small child it's
being able to easily blame them for the previously undetected food
stain on your shirt that you yourself suspect the self-incriminating
truth about. Yes, for a few short years all your sloppy eating habits
can magically be forgiven with a simple shrug/sigh combo along with
the key phrase, "Ugh ... kids!" Works every time.
4-22-12
My 1-year-old son, much like his sister did before him, has
recently discovered the joy of putting random things in the all too
easily assessable pockets of my cargo shorts when I'm not paying
attention. He's like the opposite of a pick-pocket. One of the best
parts of the day comes when I need to empty them before putting on my
pajamas at night and I discover all the random, small objects (toys,
leaves, scraps of paper, crayons, rocks, etc.) that I have been
unknowingly carrying along with me all day. Is there any hope that
someday I'll find a hundred dollar bill in there? Let me take this
opportunity to announce that this daddy happily accepts gratuities.
4-18-12
The definition of fatherhood: Standing in the front yard in
your pajamas with your 1-year-old son, both waving excitedly at the
trash truck as it drives by, and not feeling even a little strange
about it.
4-15-12
My 1-year-old son has just discovered the joy of pockets.
Unfortunately most of his pants don't actually have pockets so when
it comes time to change his diaper we usually find several matchbox
cars, his toothbrush, some ricecake with jelly, other random toys and
a couple wipees crammed down there -- the latter of which is actually
quite handy.
4-8-12
I fully realize that it was my mistake to leave my glass of
water and a double-A battery momentarily unattended as well as
somehow (?) drinking a full half of it's contents before realizing
the two had become one. Apparently with my 1-year-old son now in my
life, the glass is not only half full, but it also has a battery in
it. And
yes, while it's true that there's been numerous times that I've
considered downing an energy drink to keep up with my two crazy kids,
this isn't exactly what I had in mind.
3-31-12
I love being able to tell what my 1-year-old has recently
had to eat by simply looking at my dog's back. The best part is when
I make the mistake of not looking first before petting (my dog) and
find out that way. Ew ... I hope that's apple sauce.
3-25-12
We watched a movie this morning and, despite the fact that it's
been raining out all morning, my wife and I decided to be mean and
tell the kids no more movies today. After much whining and
complaining, about 20 minutes later, I walked in to see this (see
photo) and I asked, "What are you guys doing?" My
6-year-old daughter yelled back, "Shhhh, Daddy! We're watching
the show!" to which I inquired, "Oh really? What's it
about?" She simply replied, "Rain." I then commented,
"Oh, cool!" and then asked, "Is it a good show?"
Her response, "No, not really." They sat there for 10 more
minutes.
3-25-12
Late Sunday morning and my son is already half in the bag. Paper grocery bag. On his head. Wandering around, bumping into things and giggling.
3-20-12
My daughter wrote, "I love you" in the condensation on my car window this morning. When I first saw it, it made me smile and feel all warm
inside. Then I thought ... what if it wasn't my daughter that wrote
this on my car window, what if it was one of my crazed stalker fans?
Then I thought, I don't have any crazed stalker fans. Or fans. Who do
I think I am, Ricky Martin?! Whew, that was close.
3-18-12
An open letter to both my darling children (ages 6 and 1):
While I understand the importance of having screaming contests, I
must question the need to conduct them at 5:30 am or, more
importantly, within a 50-mile radius of my bed. Signed, Your Loving
Father. P.S. Though I do not claim to be an expert in such things, if
I could humbly offer a layman's observation, I would say that you are
both clearly equally matched in such skills, at least until puberty
hits.
3-11-12
Get me Bill and Ted -- I need them to get in their time traveling
phone booth, grab that jerk Benjamin Franklin (for coming up with
daylight savings and robbing us all of an hour of sleep again last
night) and bring him here so I can make him babysit my kids while I
take a nice long nap.
3-4-12
It just occurred to me that, thanks to the endless amount of
pop culture that clogs my brain, my 6-year-old daughter must think
I'm already senile because every time my 1-year-old son shouts out a
barrage of gibberish (which he is prone to do quite often) my gut
reaction is to always quickly retort, "Whatch-you-talkin-bout,
Willis?!" Not helping my situation is my reply to my barking
dog: "What?! In English, please! You know I don't speak
Spanish!"
3-4-12
So my 1-year-old son has taken it upon himself to be the
family's official dog spotter. Anytime and anywhere (in real life,
TV, movies, books -- anywhere) he sees a dog he excitedly and
repeatedly will point it out by yelling "Dog! Dog! Dog!"
and will continue to do so until you acknowledge it. I'm tempted to
put on the end of the movie 101 Dalmatians -- his head will explode.
3-4-12
It's 10:30 am. My 6-year-old daughter is watching "Lady
and the Tramp" and I'm in the kitchen making some pasta at her
request, inspired, of course, by the classic scene behind the Italian
restaurant. At this moment in time I can't tell if that makes me a
really cool dad or a complete sucker on a very slippery slope. Only
time will tell.
2-28-12
Should I be concerned that when I grabbed my toothbrush this
morning to brush my teeth, it was already wet?
2-27-12
So upon examining my hairbrush this morning I'd like to pose
the question: Why, out of all the multitude of brushes in our house,
my 6-year-old daughter chose mine to brush her curly, purple haired
doll's hair with last night? That said, to answer a related question
that anyone who sees me today might have if any said strands have
made their way into my own hair: No, I am not trying out a new highlighted look.
2-26-12
The best part about watching the Oscars so far? Watching my
1-year-old son politely clap for all the winners.
2-11-12
My poor wife. She's truly an amazing mother, but I wonder if she
realizes that, since the births of our 2 crazy kids, approximately
90% of what comes out of her mouth these days seems to be made up of
the two, oft repeated, key phrases. They are: "What are you
doing?!?!?!" and "Are you kidding me?!?!?!" It's like
the kids have quotas to fill or something. I'm convinced that long
ago they had a top secret meeting on it and agreed that they cannot
go to bed each day until they've heard those phrases from their
mother at least 10 times each and everything they do during the
course of the day is driven by that goal.
2-9-12
I sure hope toys don't actually come alive when you leave the
room like they do in the Toy Story movies because if they do, I owe
the Barbies that my daughter left in the tub from the night before a
huge apology since I did not remove them before stepping into the
shower this morning and the "view" that they were treated
to more than likely scarred them for life. Do they make a Barbie or
Ken psychiatrist doll? If so, that may have to be our next toy
purchase.
2-8-12
An open letter to my son (who is only 1 year old and cannot
read): I understand that it is exciting when the trash truck drives
by on Wednesday mornings and that you feel compelled to rush outside
and wave at it as it does, but I think throwing it kisses may be just
a bit over the top.
2-8-12
Last night I dreamt about unicorns and mermaids. Good lord,
someone help me -- my daughter's play world has invaded my dream
world.
2-7-12
So Saturday night is "Family Movie Night" in our
house and when my 6-year-old daughter chose "Barbie in the
Nutcracker" tonight I asked her to pick something else because
that one was a bit too "girlie" for me. She then tried to
convince me by saying that there were lots of boys in it, too. No,
Zoey, I don't watch movies for the amount of boys that are in it.
That's not what I meant by "too girlie."
1-30-12
So I wonder if any other dads out there are as blessed as I
am to have a 6-year-old daughter who is relentless in her efforts to
make her dad look "pretty". Not a day goes by without her
offering to paint my fingernails, put a bow in my hair, wrap a pink
fuzzy boa around my neck or put some sort of girlie, glittery,
flowery butterfly sticker on my shirt and/or coat. One of these days
she's either going to do it without me noticing or I'll indulge her
just to be nice and I'll forget and leave the house that way. That
said, please consider this status as a disclaimer, my friends,
because the odds are not in my favor ... it's clearly only a matter
of time.
1-29-12
It used to make me feel special to see the excitement in my
1-year-old son's eyes upon my arrival home until I realized he reacts
pretty much the same way when he sees the banana display at the
grocery store.
1-22-12
My 6-year-old daughter's latest obsession is watching
episodes of the live action Wonder Woman show from the late '70s on
DVD. I'm sure it's only a matter of time before she cracks her head
on the dining room table while re-enacting Wonder Woman's act of
spinning to change into her costume which, if I'm not mistaken, was a
rite of passage for girls growing up during that era.
1-22-12
Another one of my 1-year-old son's favorite hobbies ...
flipping over the dog's water dish. I've actually only seen him do it
once, but every single time I go into the kitchen it's already been
flipped over. He's like some kind of water liberating ninja. The best
is when I walk into the darkened kitchen in the middle of he night to
get a cup of water and step into the puddle. It irritates me to no
end. As a result I've been forced to deduct cuteness points every
time it happens. At this point he's in the hole ... by a lot.
1-22-12
I wish I could get half as excited about something as my
1-year-old does when he sees the banana display at the grocery store.
Good lord, you'd think the kid discovered gold or something ...
squealing and hopping up and down, pointing vigorously and
ooo-ooo-ing like a monkey.
1-22-12
I was amazed today when I witnessed my 1-year-old son spill
his cup of water on the hardwood floor and then, without even being
asked to do so, he walked into the kitchen, opened the dish towel
drawer and then walked back to the spill and attempted to wipe it up.
I say "attempted" because he was using the shelf paper from
the drawer instead of an actual towel, but hey -- you gotta give the
kid an "E" for effort, right?
1-14-12
One of these days, just for fun I'm gonna spend the entire
day talking to my kids the way that grown-ups sound in a Peanuts
cartoon.
1-14-12
Now there's some irony ... my daughter singing (at the top of her
lungs, of course) the classic kid tune "No More Monkeys Jumping
on the Bed" whilst, naturally, jumping on her bed.
1-14-12
Early mornings in my house is very much like trying to sleep
in the middle of a construction site where two escaped howler monkeys
are wrecking havoc and, on really special mornings, ABBA or Alvin and
the Chipmunks will suddenly show up and put on a surprise concert.
1-4-12
Christmas
may be over, but I still feel like Scrooge every single morning. For
the last few months, in the wee hours of the morning, I am visited by
what I like to call the "Three Ghosts of Not Letting Me Sleep In
Like I Like To". At 4:00 am comes the first one, a four-legged
fuzzball who whines at me because he needs to go to the bathroom.
Then, an hour later, comes the little blonde-haired girl who gently
kisses me on the forehead right before she savagely rips off my
covers. She then jumps on me, kneeing me in the groin in the process.
Finally, an hour after that, comes the last one: a drunken midget who
wanders in talking gibberish and then head butts me as he attempts to
give me his version of a hug.
1-2-12
I probably should have done this before the holidays, but here's
a word of warning to all friends and family members who have yet to
experience getting a hug from my 6-year-old daughter: She may weigh
less than 40 lbs., but don't let her petite size fool you ... if she
commits to giving you a hug you'd better hunker down and plant
yourself because believe me when I say that this is a girl who hugs
with vigor. God help you if she has a running start.
12-29-11
As we were boarding our plane last night, my 6-year-old daughter
asked me why there was a curtain after the first several rows of
seats and I told her it's because the people sitting in that area
were going to put on a show for the rest of us during the flight. I'm
not sure if she bought it, but I think I gave more than a few people
in business class a momentary case of performance anxiety.
12-22-11
So while getting his diaper changed, my 1-year-old son made a
naked escape, immediately (and ironically) ran over to our Wii Fit
balance board and peed on it. In his honor, we have officially
redubbed it the Wii-Wii.
12-21-11
A word of
warning to anyone we visit while back in WI the next several days ...
if you have no immediately accessible toys around, be prepared for my
daughter to quickly and easily turn any of your personal items within
her reach into playthings. I'm not kidding ... just as an example
I've witnessed my daughter's limitless imagination turn a salt and
pepper shaker into makeshift dolls and even once had her own feet
talking to each other.
12-8-11
When my wife asked me to give the 1-year-old a bath, I
picked him up and turned him upside down. She asked me what I was
doing and told her I was looking to see if he was dishwasher safe.
11-24-11
— Overhead today ...
WIFE:
Stop! What are you doing?!
6-YEAR-OLD:
Putting it on the stuffing.
WIFE:
You don't put Cool Whip on stuffing.
6-YEAR-OLD:
Why?
Happy
Turkey Day everyone!
11-22-11
Wanna know a great way to start the day? Just
had a spontaneous, L.A.-style miniature snowball fight with the
family after scraping the ice (yes, I said ice) off the back car
window.
11-12-11
Parenting 101 pop quiz: Your 1-year-old son is
playing on the treadmill and somehow manages to get his butt stuck
between it and the wall. Do you ... A) Rush to his rescue and
immediately dislodge him — or — B) Laugh to yourself, grab a
camera, take several photos from different angles and then, after all
that, help him? And then quickly post them on Facebook. I think the answer is obvious.
11-9-11
I forget
which stand-up comedian said it, but it's nevertheless true ...
living with a toddler is like having a drunken midget in the house.
11-3-11
The definition of being a good parent: Resisting the urge to
say "chicken butt" every time your kid says, "Guess
what?" I'm about 50/50 with that one.
10-9-11
Before leaving for a family walk today, my 6-year-old daughter
quickly donned a pink ballerina unitard and tutu and handed me a boom
box. She turned on the radio, cranked it and insisted I carry it the
whole way so she could have music for her "ballet-walk."
I've never actually been to the ballet, but I'm pretty sure there's
never been one choreographed to the musical stylings of Bon Jovi.
9-24-11
To encourage our 6-year-old to get into the car and get her
seatbelt buckled quickly we came up with the brilliant idea to make
it into a family race. After months of this mostly successful method
I just only now realized how bad it sounds to the neighbors that all
this time I've been yelling, "Hurry up and get in the car or I'm
gonna beat you!"
9-12-11
I'm not sure why we're wasting so much money on baby food
when the one-year-old is more than content to just eat dirt from the
yard.
9-11-11
My 6-year-old daughter told me today that she likes going to the
movie theater and the book theater, too. It took me a moment to
realize she meant the library. Duh!
9-10-11
My daughter has taught me yet another lesson in parenting. Today
while I was preoccupied with something on my laptop, she came in and
slapped a temporary tattoo on my wrist along with a wet washrag and
counted to 20. I remained preoccupied until she peeled off the
backing to reveal a tattoo reading, in big pink letters, "PIRATE
GIRL!" I am now thankful for 2 things — #1 being that it's
temporary and #2 that I didn't let her put it on my forehead like she
originally wanted to.
9-5-11
So while at a local eatery today (at a table close to the door)
my lovely daughter let out a gigantic belch just as a little boy and
his parents were walking in. She then giggled and yelled out, "Woah,
that was a daddy burp!" I quickly apologized (they fortunately
didn't seem offended) and had her excuse herself. A few minutes later
the little boy wandered over to our table, smiled sheepishly at Zoey
and then ran back to his parents. I think he was in love. The Larson
charm strikes again.
8-19-11
Hmmm ... so why is it my daughter is the only student who
has "duct tape" listed on her school supply list that was
sent from her school? Apparently her reputation has proceeded her.
8-18-11
So last night I woke up in the middle of the night and had
to pee. I stumbled to the bathroom and paused a moment as my groggy
mind considered closing and locking the door since my daughter has a
habit of barging through them without so much as a knock. I thought,
"Nah, it's 3 a.m. and she's asleep ... i'm sure I'll be fine."
Not ten seconds into my bladder evacuation I heard a loud gasp
followed by, "THAT'S HOW YOU PEE?! YOU HOLD YOUR PENIS?!"
Yes, Zoey, but I normally don't do it all over the wall.
8-14-11
I love that when my daughter requests me to play a song in
the car (via my iPhone), she asks for it by saying not just the
title, but practically the entire lyrics. For example: "Dad! Can
you play jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way, oh what fun
it is to ride in a one horse open sleigh, jingle bells, jingle bells,
jingle all the way, oh what fun it is to ride in a one horse open
sleigh, hey! Can you play that?"
8-12-11
My daughter just referred to our backyard as "the dog's
bathroom". As in, "I want to go play in Wile E.'s
bathroom." That reminds me that I really need to mow his toilet
this weekend.
7-18-11
My wake up call this morning consisted of my 6-year-old
daughter blaring Christmas music in her room and merrily singing
along as loud as she possibly could (which I'm pretty sure is about
10 times louder than any other human being on the surface of the
planet). Christmas in July has arrived in the Larson household. Happy
holidays, everyone.
7-17-11
While playing Barbies with my daughter this morning, the
following conversation took place ...
ZOEY
(as Barbie): Good morning, my hon'.
ME
(as Ken): Good morning, Barbie.
ZOEY
(as Barbie): Did you enjoy all the kissing last night?
ME
(as Ken): Uhh …
7-5-11
So, while at Disneyland on day 1 of 3, Zoey saw a pair of
princess-themed Mickey Mouse ears that she told us she reeeeealllly
wanted. We told her we'd think about it and then bought them when she
wasn't looking. That night at the hotel, I put them out for her to
find as a surprise in the morning, but she got up in the middle of
the night to get a tissue and found them. I happened to be awake when
she did and was amazed to see her not say a word, but simply put the
ears on and then got back into bed. Crazy girl.
7-3-11
My son Riley got some Cars 2 bath toys for an early 1st birthday
present and his big sister has already absconded with the one she
calls "Lightning the Queen".
7-2-11
While sitting in the backseat of the car, my daughter shouts out
(in one breath), "Daddy let's play hide-and-go-seek you hide and
I'll count 1-2-3-4-5-6-7-8-9-10 ready or not here I come I found yah
ha ha!" Man, I suck at that game.
6-24-11
This morning I introduced my 6-year-old daughter to one of
life's simple pleasures ... the whoopie cushion.
6-19-11
I just accidentally introduced texting to my 5 year old daughter
... dear god what have I done?!
6-19-11
While streaming the original Benji movie via Netflix this
morning, my daughter was perplexed that Benji didn't talk and I had
to explain to her that, in the 70s, dogs couldn't talk.
5-29-11
While getting dressed this morning (and before putting in my
contacts) I pulled what I believed to be a pair of boxer shorts out
of my dresser drawer only to find, upon putting them on, it was
actually one of 5-year-old daughter's skirts. Hardly interchangeable
items of clothing to say the least.
5-21-11
After 10 plus months of observing his fellow family members
and carefully weighing the options, my 10-month-old son has clearly
chosen the family member he has deemed most worthy of acting as his
official role model. His choice? The dog.
5-20-11
My 5-year-old daughter presented me with a blue play doh
"hamburger" that she made me for breakfast and happily
informed me that "it has lot's of Spongebob on it, just like you
like!" Apparently she's still sticking with her theory that
Spongebob is, in fact, "a cheese".
5-18-11
I raised an eyebrow this morning when I heard my 5-year-old
daughter say "last night I hooked up". Turns out she just
meant she had the hiccups in the middle of the night.
5-3-11
I know I'm loved. Just this morning as I was walking to the
breakfast table a little late my daughter greeted me with a smile and
offered me one of her apple slices. I happily accepted and as I was
popping it in my mouth she said, "I licked it clean for you."
How thoughtful.
5-2-11
I just found out what my 5-year-old daughter wants to get me
for father's day this year ... a Barbie. She said so I can have my
own doll when playing Barbies with her. How thoughtful.
4-2-11
I love to give my infant a straw to play with because it's
fun to wait for the inevitable thick string of drool that will
eventually pour out of the opposite end.
4-2-11
I just walked into a room where my 8-month-old son Riley was
sitting and he looked at me and said, clear as day, "Hi Daddy".
I'm now 2 for 2 with both my kids' first words!
3-28-11
I need to seriously work on getting my 5-year-old daughter
to grasp the extremely important concept of joke telling. When I told
her the classic, kid-friendly "Why is 6 afraid of 7?" joke
this weekend and then gave her the punchline "Because 7 ate 9"
she didn't even crack a smile, but enthusiastically responded "Ten!".
Well, at least the kid can count.
3-19-11
I was pretty impressed with myself for mystifying my 5-year-old
daughter with the old detachable thumb trick until she busted my
chops by yelling, "Now do it to your toe!"
3-18-11
Just minutes ago, my 8-month-old son Riley officially
crawled for the very first time. The object that enticed him to do
so? His mommy's iPhone. No joke.
2-27-11
I believe in my heart that if I can make my daughter, my son
and my wife laugh, or at the very least smile, at least once a day,
every day, for however many days I have left in my life, then in the
end, my life will have been worth living.
2-12-11
I would like to thank my 5-year-old daughter for teaching my
7-month-old son to squeal like a banshee, but she's not old enough to
understand sarcasm yet.
2-12-11
Wondering who's annoying car alarm is going off ... oh wait ...
that's the baby crying.
2-5-11
I love that when my 5-year-old daughter refers to her own
mouth she, in all sincerity, calls it her "pie hole". Hmmm
... I wonder where she learned that term.
2-4-11
I feel the need to explain why he has glitter on the seat of
my pants.
1-30-11
I've been told that the baby needs a bath and am now turning
him over to see if he's dishwasher safe.
1-8-11
My 5-year-old daughter has a message for Hollywood: She does not
like 3D movies and would very much prefer to watch a movie in
"regular D".
12-27-10
My 5-year-old daughter was playing with her grandma's letter
blocks that spell out Merry Christmas, forming words with them and
brought over (no joke) the letters A-S-S and asked my what that
spells. Ummmmm ....
12-19-10
Not an hour out of the box and Rapunzel is already
completely naked. This proves it ... my daughter runs a doll nudist
colony.
12-9-10
Santa Zoey hops into her Christmas tree box sleigh and calls
to her "reindeer" by name, "On Oscar, on Pongo, on ...
um ... Giraffe! Now dash away, dash away, dash away all!"
12-3-10
My 5-year-old daughter is bustin' my chops. She asked me why
she has to write Santa a letter when she already told him what she
wants at the mall. My response: Santa's really old -- he forgets
things ... just like daddy. She bought it.
11-26-10
I love that, while playing hiding and seek with my
5-year-old daughter, she giggles from her hiding spot every time I
say "Where is that Zoey?!"
11-20-10
I was finishing up shaving his face this morning when my
5-year-old daughter came into the bathroom and looked me over, then
told me I did a good job and handed me my old bowling trophy.
11-19-10
My 5-year-old daughter told me that all her Barbies were
hookers. I asked, "Oh yeah? Hmm... what makes you say that?"
and she replied, "Because you can hook their arms together ...
see, they're hooker girls."
11-14-10
I was sitting in our backyard today with my 4 month old son
Riley on my lap and gave him the talk. Well, not "that"
talk ... the talk that goes, "Look around you son ... if you
play your cards right, some day everything you see here will be
yours." He didn't seem all that impressed.
10-25-10
I was not aware that I live on a farm until very early this
morning (we're talking pre-dawn) when I was awakened by a 5-year-old,
blonde-haired rooster crowing at the top of her lungs from another
room. Despite the fact that I am NOT a morning person, I did actually
find the first couple of crows kind of cute, but by the 27th in a row
I was very much ready to find a shoe to throw at her.
10-1-10
I overheard my 5-year-old daughter yell at her mother this
morning for leaving the light on and wasting "e-trickily".
9-14-10
I would have appreciated it if all those books on being a
father would have suggested buying a cup. I've been accidentally
(assumedly) kicked, punched and kneed in the groin more times in the
last five years than I have my entire life. If all the incidents
were recorded, you could fill an entire episode of America's Funniest
Home Videos.
9-12-10
I love that my 5-year-old daughter hums loudly along with
the THX logo when she sees it.
9-4-10
Watching my 5 year old daughter dipping her grapes in gravy
and enthusiastically eating them.
8-25-10
Wondering if I've been working too many late nights lately
-- my 5 year old daughter non-sarcastically asked him on the phone at
work today if he was going to "visit again soon".
8-10-10
Attempting to write a new status update on Facebook, but my
5-year-old daughter is sitting on my lap, facing me, coming my hair
completely flat with a comb and telling me she's giving me "handsome
hair". She's also telling me that the hair in my Facebook
profile pic is not handsome and is, in fact, "old daddy hair".
8-8-10
I overheard my 5 year old daughter "teaching" her
little, 1 month old brother the blocking techniques she learned in
karate class; ironic since the only thing he would need to block at
his age is her from smothering him with kisses.
8-2-10
I'm very impressed with the new fashion style that my
5-year-old daughter Zoey just invented completely on her own today
that involves wearing your underwear as a top (head and left arm in
one leg hole, right arm in the other leg hole). She has dubbed it the
Undie-Shirt™. It's gonna be all the rage -- just wait and see. You
heard it here first.
7-26-10
I overheard my wife saying to my 5-year-old daughter this
morning: "Zoey, stop licking your brother!"
7-23-10
I'm very disappointed to learn my 2 week old son has
absolutely no sense of humor whatsoever. I've been cracking jokes all
day long and this kid just gives me a blank expression every single
time. Even with my "A" material.
7-21-10
I went to my 5-year-old daughter's karate class tonight and
am totally thinking of signing up because I would SO dominate in
there.
7-21-10
My five-year-old daughter currently has 2 music obsessions:
ABBA and Alvin and the Chipmunks. Wait till I tell her that the
Chipmunks once covered "Take a Chance on Me" -- it'll blow
her tiny mind.
7-19-10
In our house, when Mom cleans the kids' faces, she uses soap and
water; when Dad cleans the kids' faces, he uses the clone tool in
Photoshop.
7-18-10
I just realized that I'm now finally legitimately worthy of
winning a "Family 4-Pack of Tickets" in radio contests.
7-11-10
I'm now officially a dad to the power of 2. Yikes!
7-2-10
I'd like to procure a cheap copy of Photoshop CS4 or 5 and
am wondering if Adobe will give me the majorly discounted student
version when my daughter starts kindergarten this fall.
6-19-10
I'm celebrating my daughter's 5th birthday* today. I don't think
she's stopped talking about it since she first woke me up this
morning with an extra loud "Good Mornin' Daddy!" and a
swift knee to the groin.
6-14-10
I have, with only one month and two days left to go, finally left
my comfortable state of denial about having a second child and have
officially entered into what I would like to refer to as a "OH
MY FREAKING GOD HOW THE HECK DID MY WIFE TALK ME INTO HAVING A SECOND
CHILD AM I OUT OF MY FREAKING MIND?!" state. The uncontrollable
twitching and "deer in the headlights" expression is
completely normal.
6-2-10
Thinking baby names ... how about the name Sky, but to be
different, spell it with an "i" instead of a "y"?
5-30-10
I'd like to know why every single time I do sit-ups or
crunches my daughter tries to jump on my belly and my dog tries to
lick my face ... do they think I'm doing all this for me health?!
5-28-10
My four year old picked out my clothes this morning and then
gave me an invaluable fashion tip: Don't forget to wear pants, Daddy.
5-24-10
My four-year-old is now taking karate classes ... god help
us all. Still, there's not much cuter than hearing that voice of hers
yell "hi-ya!"
4-19-10
I showered this morning with 3 incredibly hot blonde women.
Granted, they were only a foot tall, made of plastic and were left
there from my daughter's bath the night before, but hey, you take
what you can in life, right?
4-17-10
My 4 year old demanded to listen to her music and when I asked
her "what's the magic word" she replied, "Bippity
Boppity Boo".
12-30-09
Writing an open letter to my unborn child: enjoy your time
in the womb because once you are out, I'm going to have no qualms in
using you as a buffer between me and my current daughter so I can
take a break from being dressed up like a princess every single
morning.
12-29-09
I just
got back to LA and I don't think I was missed at all ... no crowd to
meet me at the airport ... no ticker-tape parade ... just a bus ride
back home with this little chatterbox blonde girl jibber jabbering at
me the whole way home . Oh wait, that's my daughter.
12-13-09
Opening
the pretend presents my daughter is giving me as she practices her
wrapping skills. So far I got a used, empty packing envelope and a
napkin.
12-11-09
I'm really proud of my daughter Zoey -- thanks to her super
cute rendition of Jingle Bells on the Mark and Brian radio show this
morning we're going to Disneyland for free this year! Woo-hoo!
12-01-09
I walked around all day with 4 Tinkerbell stickers unknowingly
stuck to the back of my shirt. Thanks Zoey.
11-22-09
I'm thankful for my 4-year-old daughter who, while walking
into the library the other day, cheerfully (and loudly) reminded me
multiple times that I have a penis.
10-18-09
I woke up this morning with a doll shoved next to my head. My
daughter must have thought I looked lonely sleeping in bed this
morning and needed a cuddle buddy.
10-16-09
My 4-year-old daughter has declared her favorite color is
brownie (whilst licking a spatula with brownie batter on it).
10-6-09
I witnessed my 4-year-old daughter mimicking me by tucking
in her shirt just like I did seconds before ... dear god, poor girl
if she's already taking after me! Is there hope for her?!
9-28-09
My 4 year old daughter insists that "Spongebob is a
cheese". I cannot convince her otherwise.
7-26-09
My 4-year-old daughter isn't feeling well. She looked up at me
with a sad face and asked me to pick her up. I did, and then she
smiled, looked deeply into my eyes and said, "Dad ... you're a
big dork."
6-22-09
I've just been informed by my 4-year-old daughter that I've
got hair on my nipples.
6-20-09
I'm celebrating my daughter Zoey's 4th birthday today ...
actually, I'm celebrating 4 years of survival as her dad!
1-9-09
I'm having a blast watching The Three Stooges with my
3-year-old daughter, but at the same time I'm starting to seriously
question my parenting skills.
Woah ... you made it to the end?! That or you cheated and scrolled here. Either way is cool with me. :)
